Since I am now on my second blog post, I have a confession to make:  last week-end, I turned into a ‘walker’.  No, I am not referring to the zombie ‘walkers’ of The Walking Dead. 

I do admit I am a fan of the show, though the last season waiting for the gang to get to ‘Terminus’ went about as slow as Willis McGahee hitting the holes as a Browns running back last year.

I am also not referring to those walkers racing around the New Towne Mall every morning with their fanny packed stocked like Batman’s utility belt.

Before I clear this up, I have to make another, even bigger confession:  I left my wife.

WHOA!

WHOA!

Brady Quinn, put down you your cell phone!  Beth is not on the market!  I am still happily married to the most beautiful cheerleader in Dover High School history!  Full disclosure, though: my faithful bride does think the former Browns’ QB is the cat’s meow!

I don’t get it.  I never understood why Brandon Weeden never made her heart skip.

Well, maybe not.

Let me clarify both of these startling confessions.  Last Saturday, my lovely wife and I were able to have a rare date night.  All of you parents with kids understand the insertion of ‘rare’ in that last sentence.  Anyhow, we went and saw the movie, Monuments Men.

World War II has been the backdrop for many a great movie.  As a math teacher, let me throw a couple equations at you:

NAZIS + ARK OF COVENANT x HARRISON FORD + snakes x 1000 = CINEMATIC GOLD

NAZIS + BEACHES OF NORMANDY x TOM HANKS + SPIELBERG TOUCH = TIMELESS CLASSIC

NAZIS + PAINTINGS x GEORGE CLOONEY – PLOT = 110 LOOOONNNNNGGG MINUTES.

Let me try to summarize the intricate plot.  Nazis are stealing paintings all over Europe for their own Hitler museum.  Clooney & pals go to some village to save a priceless collection.  As they get there, the Nazis are just pulling out with a truckload of art.  A few shots are fired.  Now, take that scenario and ‘rinse and repeat’ another 10 times with a few George Clooney ‘save the art’ sermons mixed in.

Needless to say, about 10 minutes in, I sensed I might be in trouble.  15 minutes later, I made the decision that if I ever found out that I had only two hours to live, I would watch this movie, because that time WOULD LAST FOREVER!!!!

As I started squirming more and making snide remarks to my bride, the thought of walking out started to bounce around my skull.  I had heard tales of other adventurous souls walking out of movies in disgust, but I personally never considered it.  Well, I mustered up the courage to propose switching to another movie to Beth, who immediately did her best Dikembe Mutombo imitation in swatting my ‘indecent proposal’ away.

Oh well.  I figured I would just take one for the team. After a couple more painful Clooney monologues (for all the movies he has been in, I think the only character George Clooney has ever played is George Clooney), I decided to follow the words of the legendary man of the sea, Popeye:

“I CANS STANDS SO MUCH, AND I CAN’TS STANDS NO MORE!!!”

I didn’t have a can of spinach handy, so I told Beth I was heading to the restroom.  As I trudged down the theater hallway, I saw that the most recent Liam Neeson movie was playing.

 I didn’t know much about it, but I would bet the house that Liam would get angry, start talking in that Liam Neeson voice, and then proceed to kick butt and take names.  There is a reason why NBA studio host/ESPN writer Bill Simmons recently wrote that Liam has been the holder of the ‘Action Hero Championship Belt’ since 2011.

I should note that my only other personal experience with walking into another theater was when I went to see The Apple Dumpling Gang when I was 5.

My six-year old sister, Andrea, when out to the lobby with an older neighbor for candy or something, then accidentally walked back into the wrong movie.  I think it was a sea adventure of some sort that she watched for a few minutes.

Needless to say, seeing a shark attack was a bit more memorable than watching the hijinks of Don Knotts and Tim Conway.  She eventually got over that traumatic experience (though I still don’t think she goes in the water when we vacation Myrtle Beach together), but her lil’ bro remembered that lesson for himself.

I guess 38 years finally healed that wound.  What the heck.  I headed in.  Took about 20 seconds to catch on to what I missed.  Liam was an air marshall on some flight and kept getting texts from some guy threatening to kill a passenger every 20 minutes.  I might not call it Shakespeare, but it definitely wouldn’t call it boredom.  I watched about a half hour.  Liam was getting the framed for the murders, so his aggravation/agitation level was at about a 9.5.  Things were about to get GOOD!!!  I checked my watch.  Hmmm.  She would figure it out, right?  I have the keys to the car.  How mad would she be?  Hmmm.  What should I do?  What’s the worst that could happen?

I decided that waiting two years to watch Liam’s clean up this mess on basic cable would probably be the wise choice.  I slinked back into my seat beside Beth, who gave me a standard-issue wife eye roll.  Surprisingly, she really hadn’t missed me and my running Siskel & Ebert movie critique. I toughened out the last 15 minutes (spoiler alert:  they saved a bunch of paintings!!!), and with the help of the endless salad and breadsticks courtesy of The Olive Garden, I am happy to say that my 19-year marriage is still on solid ground.

The next day, I confronted my in-laws, who strongly recommended the movie.  Beth defended her parents.  The three added that Beth’s brother, Brian, also liked the movie.  It eventually got out, however, that Brian’s wife, Angel,  shared my opinion, so I sent her a text telling of my dislike of the movie.  Her response:  “How funny!!  I was so bored—I kept thinking ‘just be done already’!!”  I guess you can’t marry into movie tastes–they must be genetically inherited!

So, what movie has been so terrible that you too had to play the ‘walker’ card at a movie theater?  Or maybe at home, you shut a DVD off  or watched it ‘fast forward’ mode.  Let us know in the comments below: