I recently saw a trailer for the new movie, Pete’s Dragon, which quickly caused me to flash back to childhood memories of the original Disney version from 1977…
I don’t remember much about this movie, other than it was pretty lame to my then 6-year-old eyes.
Re-visiting this cinematic scar unearthed a much larger, tragic realization of an enormous void in my childhood upbringing:
1970s kids movies STUNK!!!
Nowadays, Hollywood caters to the child audience by putting out flicks in quantity and quality. Just look at what is in the top 10 domestic grossing movies so far in 2016…
#1 Finding Dory
#4 The Jungle Book
#5 Zootopia
#7 The Secret Life of Pets
#10 Kung Fu Panda 3
I haven’t seen any of this group, but from raising three kids over the last 15 years, I have watched my share of kid flicks. And most of the time, they are pretty darn entertaining for the kids as well as the adults. I can even admit to shedding tears on more than one occasion.
Here is what has come out since 2000:
Pixar alone has churned out more gold than Michael Phelps: Toy Story 3, Finding Nemo, Wall-E, Up, Brave, Monsters Inc., The Incredibles,…
Disney (which now owns Pixar) has released Frozen, Wreck It Ralph, Beverly Hills Chihuahua, High School Musical, The Princess and the Frog, Bolt, Big Hero 6,…
Then you have the works of other movie studios: Shrek, How to Train Your Dragon, Diary of a Wimpy Kid, Ice Age, Harry Potter,…
When it comes to watching movies, these young millennials don’t know the meaning of the word, suffer! Well maybe if their favorite DVD gets scratched. Wait, that is so 10 years ago. Well, I guess they sometimes have to wait a few torturing minutes for a movie to load on their iPhones. And those downloads do take up a lot of data. Poor kids!
Children of the 1990s had it pretty easy too: The Lion King, Toy Story 1 & 2, Aladdin, The Mighty Ducks, Mulan, Little Giants, Angels in the Outfield, The Indian in the Cupboard, and Babe.
The 1980s kids got The Little Mermaid, The Neverending Story, The Princess Bride, Honey I Shrunk the Kids, An American Tail, Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure, and The Goonies. Not quite the up to the previous Dream Team rosters, but still pretty good. On top of that, these children were the first to sit at the buffet table combination of cable TV and VCRs.
A look back at the 1960s reveals these gems: 101 Dalmatians, The Parent Trap, Mary Poppins, The Jungle Book, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, and The Love Bug.
And the 1950s had these iconic titles: Alice in Wonderland, Treasure Island, 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, Peter Pan, Lady and the Tramp, Old Yeller, and Sleeping Beauty.
Now the 1970s is a whole different story. The OPEC countries must have targeted Hollywood as part of their strategy of controlling the world oil market, because the gas shortages of that decade paled in comparison to the quality kid movie drought. Let’s take a look.
Side note: I know that Star Wars was beyond awesome, but It is not considered a children’s movie. And I can’t count The Bad News Bears. I am speculating that any movie that has a youth baseball coach that pounding beers in the dugout means an automatic disqualification from from the kids’ movie genre.
Our childhood memories can attempt to sugarcoat even the harshest of realities. And when it comes to any movie, one person’s cinematic trash is another’s treasure. Back in the days of polyester and platform shoes, Hollywood put out a lot of trash. So I judge these flicks primarily by three standards:
1. How did I like it as a kid?
2. Could I now watch (and enjoy) it now as an adult?
3. How would my kids enjoy it?
So here are my results, ‘Seventies Style”…
SHAG CARPET CLASSICS
Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (1971): I will stop and watch some of this when I see it on TV. It definitely stands the test of time. But the five-year-old in me does have something important to say: This film is seriously CREEPY! Willie Wonka is sneaky, moody, and downright mean at times. A boy gets sucked up a tube to who knows where. One girl gets labeled a bad egg and is dropped into a furnace (Willie says he can’t remember if the furnace runs that day or the next. Very reassuring). Charlie and Grandpa float uncontrollably and narrowly avoid getting chopped up by a fan. And I make sure to keep my head on a swivel for those Oompa Loompas any time I am walking down a candy aisle.
That is the beginning and the end of the timeless classic list for this decade. Next level:
DISCO DELIGHTS
The Muppet Movie (1979): Jim Henson and his Muppets rocked back in the day. Not only was The Muppet Show was hilarious, but it always had famous celebrities in it. The movie carried that tradition on: Steve Martin, Bob Hope, Mel Brooks, Richard Pryor, Milton Berle, Madeline Kahn, and Orson Welles headlined a large list of cameo appearances. And The Rainbow Connection is one of the great movie songs of all time.
Though I often see various Muppet sequels listed when I skim the ‘program guide’ button on my TV, I would never see the original come up. This past spring, though, it finally surfaced, and I DVR’ed it to watch with my daughter. Upon this further review, I would say it’s solid, but not quite up to ‘classic’ level.
The Black Stallion (1979): this was a pretty cool movie back in the day. I re-watched the climactic race scene recently. It’s pretty darn good. Any time a kid can beat the adults, that’s it’s movie magic. Plus, Mickey Rooney rocks in his Academy Award-nominated jockey mentor role!
Herbie Goes to Monte Carlo (1977): This once topped my list of all-time favorite movies.
NUMERO UNO!
As I became more worldly, learning things like times tables and cursive writing, this sports action thriller slowly slid down my list. It’s probably still in my top 1000. Maybe. Anyhow, Herbie was a star back then, and this was his peak performance. It starred two icons of 70s kid movies: Dean Jones and Don Knotts. Between his legendary TV roles of Barney Fife and Mr. Furley, Knotts was a regular on the kid movie circuit, including these mediocre (or worse) 1970s films: The Apple Dumpling Gang (1975), Hot Lead and Cold Feet (1978), and The Apple Dumpling Gang Rides Again (1979).
But he also made this sports classic…
Gus (1976): Well, maybe not quite a classic, or even a delight, but it’s hard to go wrong when your plot revolves around a mule (or donkey?) from Yugoslavia that can kick 90-yard field goals. Hue Jackson might want to send some scouts out to area farms.
I found this on some obscure cable channel a few years back. The plot was thinner than Kojak’s hairline, but it scored bonus points on my Movie Meter for having both Dick Butkus and Dick Enberg in it, and also for having the L.A. Atoms play against real NFL teams, including the CLEVELAND BROWNS!
MOOD RING MEDIOCRITY
Fonzie from Happy Days was probably the coolest cat in the 1970s. But he might get an argument from this daring dog…
Race for Your Life, Charlie Brown (1977): From what I remember, Snoopy guided the Peanuts gang in a white water rafting race.
Benji (1974): I guess dogs were box-office gold back then. This mutt had his name in the title of a couple of 70s flicks.
Disney’s animation bottomed out in this era : The Aristocats (1970), Robin Hood (1973), The Rescuers (1977). Try finding any hints of those movies on your next Disney World visit.
Freaky Friday (1976): Jodi Foster’s version falls short of the Lindsay Lohan 2003 re-make.
Where the Red Fern Grows (1974): I had to watch this at 6th grade camp after reading the book. I think I liked square dance night better.
BELL BOTTOM BAD
Plenty to chose from on this list. Here are a few that you might remember:
Bedknobs and Broom Sticks (1971)
Escape to Witch Mountain (1975)
Pete’s Dragon (1977)
The Cat From Outer Space (1978)
The Water Babies (1978)
Return from Witch Mountain (1978)
Unidentified Flying Oddball (1979)
After watching those, trying a Pepsi and pop rocks cocktail was probably pretty appealing alternative to a lot of kids (Google it, millennials). Thank goodness the VCR wasn’t around yet, or those flicks would have become permanent scars on millions of young, impressionable minds. We could have lost a whole generation to brain damage that would have caused ripple effects to this day. Maybe there would be no smart phones. No Google. No Snuggies.
So how did all of those children of the 1970s survive this cinematic void? The remedy was a recipe of old TV re-runs, numerous board games, and being kicked outside for hours on end by their parents (and thus being forced to use their creativity and imagination to play games like ‘Kick the Can’ and ‘Witch in the Well’).
And don’t forget the Pop Rocks!
