A recent multi-generational study conducted by Ivy-League-level university numbers experts showed that current teenagers of the millennial generation vastly trailed their parents of Generation X in toughness.
Let me clarify somewhat. I conducted this study. I also have a mathematics degree. My wife has an accounting degree, so I threw her in to lend my study some credibility. We both graduated from Muskingum College, which is known as the Harvard of the Midwest. At least to my inflated ego.
Anyhow, the mountains of evidence that I will soon pile in front of you will ease any doubts as to the reliability and accuracy of this scientific study.
Exhibit A:
Friday, at approximately 5:45 pm, my wife brought home a 14-inch large Domino’s thin crust pepperoni and bacon pizza. Half of it also had mushrooms. At approximately 6:03 pm, this sole piece remained. We then head north to watch the Dover-Lake football game.
Side note: Tuscarawas County is a true mecca of pizza. In addition to the national chains, there are a large number of great local shops. I have an upcoming top-10 pizza place blog in the works. Stay tuned.
Exhibit B:
At approximately 11:16 pm, we returned from the game. This lonely piece continued to occupy our counter.
Exhibit C:
At approximately 8:56 the next morning, I snapped a picture of this abandoned slice of pie.
Exhibit D:
Three Aljancic children (a sophomore boy, an 8th grade boy, and a seventh grade girl) reside in the residence where the aforementioned evidence (Exhibits A, B, and C) was located.
CASE CLOSED!
Don’t quite understand this crazy science talk? Let me translate.
One small piece of pizza lasted over 15 hours without two healthy teenage males gobbling it up (I will give my daughter a pass).
HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN?!?
Teenage boys are supposed to be human vacuum cleaners. Back in my day, this pizza slice’s heart would have still been beating when me or one of my two little brothers would have put it out of its misery.
If we didn’t kill each other first staking a claim to it.
Or if my dad didn’t declare eminent domain on that last piece.
Back then, our family of six (I had also had an older sister) was clearly a 2-large pizza family by our teenage years. No left overs to be seen on those pizza nights!
And that was when a large pizza was large. 16 inches in diameter. None of this lightweight 14-inch weak stuff.
And remember, the evidence mentioned above was THIN CRUST! That’s like eating a medium.
For posterity’s sake, I should point out that my younger son ate a couple of pieces of pizza, as well as some wings, at his cousin’s house after the game. And my other son went to bed early to get up for a cross country meet the next day. On second thought, it’s probably not a good idea to have a bunch of pizza meandering through your body when you have to run 3.1 miles.
But come on. That scrawny little square could have been eliminated with one bite.
Case closed.
As you can see, the evidence is overwhelming. Time to put into scientific law, right after Sir Isaac Newton’s stuff about falling apples. Better click the ALL CAPS and BOLD icon.
GENERATION X IS TOUGHER THAN MILLENNIALS.
Some of you conspiracist naysayers that still think that the moon is made of cheese might point to one piece of evidence to debunk this ALJANCIC FIRST LAW OF TOUGHNESS:
If I say Generation X is so big and bad, why didn’t I finish of this puny piece of pie myself?
Simple: It took all the toughness I had to talk myself out of eating that scrumptious slice. Just look at it. That square was truly a greasy, cheesy slice of heaven. And did I mention that it had bacon on it?
But I was also staring at the caloric equivalent of a half-mile of jogging.
TUMMY TEMPTATION VANQUISHED!
Get the chisel out. Time to put it in stone:
GENERATION X IS TOUGHER THAN MILLENNIALS.
Follow the author on twitter: @macaljancic