Now that the Browns in the midst of their bye week, it’s time to reflect on the work of art that is the 2015 season. I am going to forgo the use of sabermetrics, traditional statistics, the citing of NFL experts, or even the win/loss total.
Instead, I am going implement a tried and true analytical device that has been around since Caveman Carl picked up a rock and threw a back-shoulder fade to Neanderthal Ned.
The eye test.
And in this case, a little bit of the smell test.
THE BROWNS STINK.
Nothing earth-shattering there. Unfortunately for Browns’ fans, it’s nothing new. We’ve ‘been there, done that’ just about every year since the franchise made their ‘Prodigal Son’ return back in 1999.
What makes this season tougher than most is their long-term weather forecast:
Mostly Stinky with an 80% chance of STINK.
I could further examine the hopelessness of the Konstipation Kids (like my twist on the Kardiac Kids nickname?), but I have 6 more games to write about that angle.
So since Thanksgiving is less than a week away, let’s look for some of the roses that have bloomed within this thorn bush of a season.
GARY BARNIDGE IS A BALLER
With the loss of Jordan Cameron to free agency in the off-season, tight end looked to be a glaring weak spot. Instead, Barnidge has put in one of the best tight end seasons in Browns’ history. In the ranking of NFL tight ends, he is fourth receptions (48), third in touchdowns (7), and second in yards (667). But the biggest jewel in his crown is that he is a Cleveland Brown that is actually a hot commodity in the world of Fantasy Football!
And don’t forget the ‘Butt Catch’…
THE EXISTENCE OF THE DVR
A month ago–October 21, 2015–the world celebrated Back to the Future Day. That great 1980s movie imagined a 2015 with hover boards and self-lacing shoes. Those dreamed-up inventions pale in comparison to the great and powerful DVR.
Imagine what life would be like watching these Browns without that remote control at your fingertips.
No more enjoying a beautiful Sunday afternoon outside, then watching the game a little later.
No more skipping commercials.
No more fast-forwarding through the in-house chuckle-fest that is the CBS halftime show.
Much more trying to program your VCR for the right recording time.
No more re-watching in slow motion the quirky plays like the Butt Catch.
No more re-watching in slow motion to see which offensive lineman missed his block.
Much more missing part of the game to watch your kids’ piano recital.
No more skipping between defensive plays when the games get bad.
No more skipping between offensive plays when the games get really bad.
JOSH McCOWN CAN SLING THE BALL
Few Cleveland fans were jumping for joy when the Browns decided to give their QB keys to this grizzled 13-year veteran. I even wrote a blog about my displeasure. But this 36-year old has played brilliantly for the most part. He ranks 10th in the NFL in yards per game (271) and 13th in QB Rating (95.2). That’s in spite having a running game that is ranked 31st in yards per game (75.6). And he’s stood tough in the face of a brutal pass rush that has forced him to miss most or all of four entire games. You will find no ‘thank you’ shout outs to our O-line in this article!
NO SOLOMON WILCOTS ANNOUNCING ANY GAMES
With the Browns being cellar-dwellers every year, we seem to get stuck with the same announcers for alot of games: Ian Eagle, Steve Beuelein, Rich Gannon, Steve Tasker…
But the king of the re-runs always seemed to be Mr. Wilcots, who announcing style I find very unpleasant to my ears. From listening to Cleveland sports radio, I am figuring there are plenty of other Browns’ fan that agree with me.
Of course, the Browns, being the inept franchise that they are, not only decided last year to fire their most beloved player of the last 50 years, Bernie Kosar, as their pre-season announcer. They replaced him with Wilcots, a former BENGAL and STEELER. I guess no Ravens’ alumni alumni answered their phones quick enough.
But this year, their have been no Solomon sightings so far. Knock on wood.
THE SMURFS HAVE BEEN SMURF-ILICIOUS
Travis Benjamin (5’10”, 175 lbs.), Taylor Gabriel (5’8″, 167 lbs.), and Andrew Hawkins (5’7″, 180 lbs.) have pretty much held their own in the land of NFL giants. Among AFC receivers, Benjamin is 12th in receptions, 11th in touchdowns, and 7th in yards. Not exactly Megatron stats, but come on–what were you expecting from Travis Benjamin this season? And he has also returned to form as a top punt returner this year.
But watching the Steelers’ Antonio Brown and Martavis Bryant carve up the Browns’ secondary magnified the gap between our Mighty Mites and elite NFL wide receiver play.
DAN FOUTS HAS ANNOUNCED TWO OF OUR GAMES!
I enjoy hearing the insight of this Hall of Fame QB. He also earns style points in my book for:
A. Teaming up with Keith Jackson to announce Ohio State’s 2002 Fiesta Bowl overtime win over Miami to earn the BCS National Championship
B. Teaming up with Brent Musberger to announce South Central Louisiana State’s Bourbon Bowl win in a legendary coaching match-up between The Fonz and the guy from Smokey and the Bandit. (if you are too young to know what I am talking about, google it).
As Dan famously said in this classic sports movie, The Waterboy…
“Last game of the year now, Brent, can’t hold anything back!”
JOHNNY FOOTBALL HAS SHOWN A GLIMMER OF HOPE
I had pretty much written off Johnny Manziel as the future franchise quarterback of the Browns. Little of that belief has anything to do with his off-the-field escapades. Most of it has to do with his on-the-field skill set. His lack of size is strike one. His instinctual tendency to abandon the passing pocket and scramble around backyard-football style is strike two.
But against the Steelers, with a full week of preparation, he was able to balance his improv scrambling style with the need to make plays in the pocket. He completed 33 of 45 passes for 372 yards with only one interception. And he was also the leading rusher with 17 yards. The rest of the team ran for a total of -2 yards. Not exactly the way to support a young QB against the vaunted Pittsburgh defense.
Johnny’s performance gives Browns’ fans a good reason to watch these last six games. Hopefully he can enlarge that ray of hope that he is truly ‘the chosen one’–that elusive franchise QB that has been absent from the Browns roster for over two decades.
Those last few paragraphs sounded pretty good a day ago. Then…
Johnny Football strikes again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Party in the U.S.A.!!!!!!!!!!!
TICKETS ARE CHEAP!
On a sunny, 63 degree day, I paid $15 a pop to take my wife and boys to watch the Browns flop in the 2nd half against the Cardinals. Right now, tickets for their Monday night game against the Ravens are going for as low as $18 on Stub Hub. The cheap seats for the next two home games for the Steelers? $70 and $95.
Take that, Steelers fan!
WE HAVEN’T MISSED A FIELD GOAL
Rookie Kicker Travis Coons is a perfect 16 for 16 in field goals!
We will look past the fact that he has missed two extra points in the last three games.
We will see how his perfection holds up as he faces more pressure kicks, and more weather like this…
NO NEED TO UPGRADE MY FAMILY’S JERSEY COLLECTION
The Browns debuted their new uniforms this year…
I will generously give them a fashion grade of a C.
Side request to the Browns’ brass–can we see less of the brown pants and more of the orange pants?
Normally, a change in uniforms pushes fans to make purchases to keep in step with their team. But with their current roster, there is no player that my sons (or I) want a jersey of. Heck, I still have two mint-condition Trent Richardson jerseys collecting dust in my sons’ closets.
So when you are sitting around the dinner table Thursday gobbling up the turkey and mashed potatoes, remember that, even as a Browns’ fan, you still have things to be thankful for.
As long as the DVR works.
Have a wonderful Thanksgiving Holiday!