Category Archives: Rants

If a movie is awful, it is usually fun to review and tear apart. Such as these…

‘Scoob!’ Review (and everything I thought about while watching it)

OK so instead of a traditional review, I thought it would be for for me to keep track of everything I thought about while watching “Scoob!,” the new animated film from Warner Bros. based on the classic cartoon. There will be massive spoilers ahead, so only read this if you have seen the film or do not care about ruining the surprises (of which there are randomly many). Overall, long story short, I enjoyed the hell out of this film, both actually and ironically, and recommend it, especially for kids or fans of Scooby-Doo like myself. I’d give it a 7/10. Anyways, on with the post! 

-this kids movie starts with “California Love”, an explicit song from gangster rappers Tupac and Dr. Dre

-kid bullies care about blood sugar and steal Shaggy and Scooby’s candy to… help them?

-this bad guy is hanging out in a closet in his own house dressed as a ghost in order to scare people on the off chance someone comes in?

-Simon Cowell is here

-oh god, Shaggy and Scooby are singing “Shallow” from “A Star Is Born” (keeping it in the Warner Bros. family, I see) 

-Daphne says to Shaggy “wait, have you not been paying your taxes?” to which Scooby replies “I handle our books” (I laughed)

-“he’s not smart, he just sounds intelligent because he’s British” “good point, Shaggy” (I laughed again)

-I really don’t like Will Forte’s Shaggy voice

-Mark Wahlberg’s Blue Falcon character is introduced to “All I Do Is Win” by DJ Khaled and I. am. CACKLING.

-there’s a line about how Shaggy says “like” in every other sentence because that’s how middle aged writers think teenage hipsters talk. Meta or lazy, you decide

-the bad guy Dick Dastardly has a bunch of little tiny cute minions who only he can understand (yeah yeah, I have also seen “Despicable Me”)

-the bad guy’s plan is to get the three skulls of Cerberus aka Fluffy from Harry Potter

-seriously, why couldn’t they invite Matthew Lillard back to voice Shaggy?

-“stop right there you filthy animal! And your dog too!” (I laughed again)

-they just said “hashtag” out loud.

-this script was written by a kids YouTube algorithm

-Shaggy told Wahlberg to drop a meth bomb and Wahlberg goes “whoa whoa man, let’s keep it PG!” and I let out the UGLIEST cackle

-the bad guy said “I’m a Dick” cuz it’s his name

-“meters, Velma? I don’t even know what that means. What are we, in Europe?”

-there’s a hot California Highway Patrol officer. Reminds me how awful “CHIPS” was

-the bad guy was the hot officer in disguise and Fred is disappointed; nice reference to “Scooby-Doo 2”

-Wahlberg’s robot dog is being hacked by Velma and he says “stay out of my search history!”

-90% of this film’s budget went to the hair design

-as an ancestor of Alexander the Great’s dog, Scooby-Doo has a genetic ability to open the Gates of Hell

-Bad guy kidnaps Fred and goes “Poor man’s Hemsworth stays with me!” and Fred goes “no let go of me-wait, Chris or Liam?”

-they’re in the center of the earth Jurassic Park place from “Aquaman”

-Scooby got scared and tried to jump into Wahlberg’s arms to be caught like he does to Shaggy and Wahlberg just stood there. I wheezed.

-Tracy Morgan voices a caveman and it’s just the most obvious Tracy Morgan appearance ever

-scientifically accurate dinosaur poop

-someone shouted “toxic masculinity!” whileWahlberg and Fred were fighting, who is this movie for lmaoo

-Shaggy said “let’s get out of middle earth!” and Wahlberg said “copyright infringement”. This film is simultaneously meta and oblivious to itself.

-opening the Gates to Hell also rebuilds ancient Greece

-demon Fluffy is here

-Shaggy got locked in the underworld, big dramatic moment, blah blah, but Scooby just says “come home” to a statue of Alexander the Great and Shaggy comes back

-the bad guy Dick Dastardly was Simon Cowell in disguise all along

-oh just kidding, it was Dick Dastardly disguised as Simon Cowell disguised as Dick Dastardly

-Wahlberg is a DJ now

-Wahlberg’s female partner said she needs a raise; who is paying their superhero salaries?

-this film was written by four different people

-this film is so random, I loved it

‘Blair Witch’ One of the Worst Horror Films of All-Time

Blair_Witch_2016_posterThis was hands-down the longest, most grueling 89 minutes I have ever spent in a movie theater.

 

“Blair Witch” is the third installment of the franchise of the same name and follows a group of friends who set out to visit the woods where the first film took place. James Allen McCune, Callie Hernandez, Brandon Scott and Corbin Reid star as Adam Wingard directs.

 

I have never seen the original “Blair Witch Project” but am familiar with its place in cinematic history and unfortunately even more acquainted with what it introduced to mainstream horror films: found footage-style filmmaking. In my “Bridget Jones’s Baby” review I wrote how that was a sequel that was 15 years late but still had a meaningful story to share; “Blair Witch” achieves no such accomplishment and is instead quite honestly, no hyperbole, the worst horror film I have ever seen.

 

This is from Adam Wingard and Simon Barrett, the men who created the darkly funny slasher “You’re Next,” the pretty cool thriller “The Guest” and the “V/H/S” series, of which my roommate in college was a huge fan of. So it is proven that these two know how to write and shoot films that are self-aware, thrilling and have a creepy atmosphere. So what the hell went so wrong with “Blair Witch” is beyond me.

 

Nothing in this film feels earned or set up. It begins with “new” footage of the original film and how those hikers met their demise. But what a crazy coincidence, because the guy watching is the brother of the girl who went missing in that video and wants to go find her, convinced she’s still alive in the woods. A few things wrong with that: (1) the original “Blair Witch” is set in 1994 and this film takes place in 2014, meaning the main character has spent 20 years just waiting around not wanting to find her, and couldn’t have been more than five years old when she went missing and (2) there is no sane human who would think his sister who went missing 20 years prior would still be alive and chilling in a forest.

 

I get you need a reason for a new group of attractive young people to go into the woods to get slaughtered for our amusement, but don’t be lazy as to why that is. Just have a person who is obsessed with the legend and another who doesn’t believe in it, and they set out to prove the other wrong. It’s simple and it’s stupid but it would be more appealing and believable than what we are given.

 

But fine, they’re in the woods. Does scary stuff happen? Nope, not for the first 30 minutes it doesn’t. There isn’t even a few faux jump scares like a deer jumping out or a person tripping; there is not a single attempt at building tension for the first third of this film. It is just people walking around with backpacks spewing exposition dialogue. But once the ish does hit the fan, oh boy, watch out: nothing will continue to happen. People walk in circles with flashlights and annoying first-person cameras and yell the names of their lost friends (who went off by themselves in a forest at night, that’s natural selection trying to do its part and they’re getting in the way of it).

 

Stupid things continue to happen, from a girl with a broken ankle suddenly being able to sprint and climb trees to the good ole cliché of the flashlight running out of batteries just as the scary things begin to happen.

 

All of this could be forgiven if the film was scary but it is not, not even a little. There is one sequence where a girl is crawling through a tunnel but that only got to me because I am claustrophobic, and even that shot is in the trailer so I knew what it was building towards. The rest of the film is loud growling and sudden appearance of stick figures and none of it makes sense and even less of it is audible or visually coherent because of the atrocious shaky cam.

 

“Blair Witch” combines all the thrills of walking around with all the scares of an arts and crafts class. I cannot tell you enough how bored I was in this film and how bafflingly, laughably horrible the ending is, not that the first 88 minutes were any better. It is the worst film of 2016 (and 2016 has featured “Warcraft”), the worst horror film of all-time and quite possibly one of the worst films I have ever seen, period (I need to sleep on that, although sleep is something I won’t lose any of after watching this film).

 

Critics Rating: 1/10

Lionsgate

Lionsgate

‘Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2’ Is Deplorably Awful

Teenage_Mutant_Ninja_Turtles_Out_of_the_Shadows_posterWhen Tyler Perry is the best part of your movie, the alarm started going off a long time ago.

 

“Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows” (the longest, most unnecessary title of all-time) is the sequel to the 2014 films about everyone’s favorite pubescent modified warrior reptiles. This time around the gang must stop Shredder (who apparently survived his fall off the Empire State Building in the first film with no explanation) from doing evil things. That is really as much of a plot as I can give you because that is really as much of a plot as there is in this thing. Megan Fox, Tyler Perry and Stephen Arnell star as Dave Green directs.

 

The first Ninja Turtles movie wasn’t good, but at least (from what I faintly remember about it) it was watchable enough. The complaints people had about the film were mainly that didn’t have enough fan service, the Turtles’ design was ugly and the film wasn’t overly charming. This sequel has none of those problems because it took all those complaints and flipped the script; now there’s too much fan service, the Turtles are way too dressed up and the attempts at charm and fun are nauseating.

 

Nothing in this movie feels organic, everything just has the “let’s get a summer blockbuster sequel out as fast as possible” way about it. Right from the opening sequence I knew something was off because the film literally stops to put the Turtles’ names and roles within the group on the screen as if we didn’t see the first film or know these characters. Or, more likely, the screenwriters were too lazy to create fleshed out characters so they just gave you cliffnotes to put you up to speed.

 

The humor of this film has to be addressed because it is all over the place, as long as none of those places are “funny.” The inclusion of Bebop and Rocksteady (Gary Anthony Williams and Stephen Farrelly, respectively) was something fans wanted to see, and granted I never watched enough of the show to develop a bond with the characters, but oh my god, I hated these two. If you don’t know, Bebop and Rocksteady are a mutant rhino and warthog and they are just there to make fart jokes and pick their noses. They add nothing of value to the film except an occasional pity chuckle from a young child and as the aforementioned fan service. Brad Garrett also voices a bad guy who gets no intro or character development, and unless you know TMNT lore you will have absolutely no idea who he is. Post-Raymond life has not been kind to Brad…

 

Tyler Perry is the best part of this mess and it is only by comparison. Perry knows he is in a dumpster fire that is beyond saving so he hams it up, including a beyond stupid chuckle that is possibly brilliant, probably just dumb, but I laughed every time he did it.

 

The screenwriting is so atrocious and predictable that it is deplorable. Casey Jones (Arnell) breaks a jukebox and smashes a half dozen liquor bottles while trying to get info out of a bartender, just to have the bartender hand him a GPS tracking device that will lead him to the bad guys. Convenient way to solve his problems, but you know, also a crime. Then the Turtles find a potion that can maybe turn them human. Does the film make this into a “Spider-Man 2” moment and create inner conflict? Lol, nah, it lasts one scene then has no effect on the plot.

 

Look, I could write an essay about how awful “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows” is. Within 20 minutes my friend and I were squirming in our recliners because we needed to be put out of our misery. If you are a fan of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles then maybe you will enjoy the easter eggs enough to overlook the smaller flaws, but unless you are the youngest and least-demanding of children, there is nothing in this film for you. I just spent most of the runtime staring at the screen with a blank look on my face, wondering what the shell was going on and what I had done that God was punishing me so.

 

Critics Rating: 2/10

Teenage_Mutant_Ninja_Turtles_Out_of_the_Shadows

Variety

 

‘Ridiculous Six’ May Be Sandler’s Worst

The_Ridiculous_6_posterAdam Sandler may not be funny, but give him credit; he is one heck of a businessman.

“The Ridiculous Six” is the first of Sandler’s four film deal with Netflix (because he wised up and realized people have gotten too smart to pay theatrical price for his “comedies”). The film stars Sandler, Terry Crews, Jorge Garcia, Taylor Lautner, Rob Schneider, and Luke Wilson as half-brothers who must set out to rescue their father (Nick Nolte) in the Wild West. Frank Coraci directs.

I personally gave up on Sandler long ago, and I was never a huge fan in the first place. I think he is great in films that he doesn’t write/produce (like the underappreciated “Funny People”), but all too often (aka always) he phones in his performances and instead just delivers an unfunny film as an excuse to go on vacation with his friends. Clearly Sandler realized audiences were wising up to his act and decided to strike up a deal with Netflix (which, why, Netflix? You’re doing so well…), where his films cannot be judged off their lack of box office success. But maybe not having the stress of the box office would make Sandler try, and maybe being with director Frank Coraci, who directed Sandler’s arguable best film, “The Wedding Singer,” would be the kick-in-the-butt he needed. Yeah. And maybe Donald Trump isn’t insane.

I went into this movie thinking it was going to be a bad, lazy, sexist, racist, unfunny Adam Sandler film, and lo and behold, I was right. But there is just something about “Ridiculous Six” that seems even worse. It is somehow worse than his film from earlier in 2015, “Pixels,” and arguably the worst film of his career (it is without a doubt his worst performance).

I guess I’ll break this film down by what it is and what it isn’t. First: in true Sandler fashion, it is lazy. You want an example of one of the jokes? A donkey projectile poops against a wall for five seconds. Now if you thought that wasn’t funny the first time, you’re going to stare in amazement at the next four occurrences. No joke, I was leaning over to say something to my friend (who had the misfortune of watching this alongside me) and the first time the donkey did its thing I genuinely exclaimed, “what the [expletive] was that!?” Not because I was frightened by a jump scare, but because it is so random and so juvenile that it mere existence took my inner-being by surprise.

The film is also racist and sexist, per ush. There are plenty of Native American “jokes” sprinkled throughout the film (and I don’t put jokes in quotes because they’re tasteless and I’m being PC; I put it in quotes because they never show anything resembling an attempt to be funny). There are also black and Mexican jokes galore; Rob Schneider plays a Hispanic man who wears a sombrero the entire film. Get it? Because he’s Mexican? And they ride donkeys and have sombreros? HA!

There’s then a scene where the Six come across Abner Doubleday as he is inventing baseball (the film’s only scene of merit, as it pokes fun at some of the sport’s sillier rules). However, and I kid you not, in the moment leading up to the scene I turned to my friend and said, “well I mean the Natives and Hispanics are getting hit pretty hard, but at least Sandler is leaving the Asians alone.” I jinxed it. Because mere moments later, the men come across Doubleday talking to a group of Asian men, all wearing stereotypical Asian headwear, and I let out a long sigh and “offff course.”

Then there’s the classic Sandler trope that God-forbid any female character impacts the plot. Also may Hell freeze over if any woman has ANYTHING to offer besides their cleavage. The one woman person who has the benefit of being more than a flesh trophy is captured and escapes in the same scene, begging the question why the scene exists, and then only returns to become a damsel in distress in the film’s climax.

And the editing in this film, oh my God. Some scenes just draw on forever (did I mention this film is two hours long?). My only theory is the film made it through the first cut of edits and the editor quit because he could not in good conscience watch any more of this film, much less take part in sending something out into the internet that would be seen by millions of innocent, underserving civilians.

I’ll give the film a pat on the back, at least it is…watchable? Like it isn’t like “Fantastic Four” bad where I was squirming in my seat and needed the film to be over. I was having a good enough time making fun of it, and I did laugh maybe three times, albeit I instantly felt guilty for doing so.

Here’s the bottom line about “The Ridiculous Six” besides “don’t watch it.” It is just another and yet somehow worse Adam Sandler film, and further proof he does not care about you or any another movie-lover. He only cares about getting richer and hanging out with his friends, and for that he is a brilliant and ruthless businessman. It will be interesting to see if Netflix honors the remaining three films on Sandler’s contract, because I cannot see a single person itching to see anymore Sandler anytime soon.

Critics Rating: 3/10

Variety

‘Fantastic Bore’ Is Frustratingly Awful

Fantastic_Four_2015_posterI am at a loss for words on how uneventful this movie is, so no time for a clever opening. Let’s just get right into this evisceration.

“Fantastic Four” is the latest attempt to reboot the Marvel Comics team of the same name, and stars Miles Teller, Michael B. Jordan, Kate Mara and Jamie Bell as Mr. Fantastic, the Human Torch, the Invisible Woman and The Thing, respectively. [Normally this is where I would insert a brief plot summary, but truly this film is so massively uneventful that I couldn’t give you a storyline if I tried]. Josh Trank, who directed “Chronicle,” directs and co-writes here.

Right from its conception, this film was a mess. It was no secret that Sony made it simply to hold onto the rights, and then there are plenty of stories of Trank showing up on set stoned and drunk, or not showing up at all (for legal reasons, I should say “allegedly”). Then they had to do extensive reshoots, which are painfully obvious due to haircuts/wigs and awkward dialogue dubs. In all honesty, look up all the behind-the-scenes drama involving the director and producers; it is 100x more entertaining than the movie they ended up creating.

On top of those red flags, ear-piercing alarms should have been sounding when it was announced the film wouldn’t allow reviews to be posted until the day before release (which is as sure a sign that a movie is terrible as dark clouds mean it’s going to rain), and lead actor Miles Teller saying that none of the stars had seen the finished film, and that “rarely are films of this size critically well received”. That’s…comforting.

Boy, halfway done with this review and all I’ve done is give reasons why we all thought it would fail. Where are my manners? Who knows? Maybe all the reshoots and on-set tension created something truly special, and we were worrying for nothing! (We weren’t, though, this movie is awful)

I truly, honestly, sincerely have no idea where to begin. I am genuinely at a loss for words, and that isn’t a great thing to be considering my God-given talent (and livelihood) is putting pen to paper. I guess we can start with how badly they botched the amazing cast. I am a huge Miles Teller fan; I’ve had a man-crush on him ever since “21 & Over.” But here? Oh boy, did Trank and Co. try their very hardest to make him awful. The entire cast, in fact; they’re all talented young actors who together have no chemistry. I hate to compare this to the 2005 film because I think reboots should be judged on their own accord, but say what you will about the old F4 films, at least the four members seemed like they were friends.

Next is the “plot.” If you’ve seen the trailer you’ve seen the film. I remember watching the trailers and every time I would think, “this looks like it’s spliced from just three scenes, what’s the plot?” And I was right to question; there is no plot. What shred of a narrative there is revolves around the group building an interdimensional transportation device (because simply going to space nowadays is too mainstream), getting their powers, and then everything kind of rushes an oh-my-god awful ending.

Seriously, though, the ending to this movie is just…I don’t even know. To steal a quote from Michael Scott: “It’s simply beyond words. It’s incalculable”. The first third of the film is innocent enough, showing a young Teller trying to crack all the science, and then there’s a few (I stress, A FEW) interesting and fun moments. Then they get their powers by traveling to “Planet Zero” (named after how much interest I had left in the film by this point) and Trank treats it like a horror film, which for a second I liked. The idea of finding your one friend burning alive and another trapped in a pile of rocks is enough to break a psyche. But then they skip ahead a year (because who wants to watch them struggle and learn to control their new powers, right?) and everything gets worse. You get bored and the film goes nowhere.

Then the climax happens, and oh my God. I didn’t think it was possible to have negative amount of suspense or emotional attachment to a film, but give “Fantastic Four” credit because it did just that. When Victor Von Doom (Toby Kebbell) arrives to be the villain (after all, with a name like that, he had a limited pool of career choices), you don’t care. There is one fun tracking shot of him walking down a hallway and he makes everyone he passes’ head explode, but then he engages in a horrible CGI battle with the Four. And you just. don’t. care.

Look, I could go on for days about why this movie is awful, but my head may just explode like one of those poor people Dr. Doom strolls past. The film plays out as one big (boring) trailer for future films, which, based on critical and fanboy reception, I doubt we’ll ever see, and it’s adorable the filmmakers thought they ever would. “The Incredibles” remains the only truly good Fantastic Four film, and this makes the 2005 film and its sequel look like “The Dark Knight.”

I thought critic Ben Mankiewicz’s description of the film perfectly sums everything up: “it feels like the first episode of a TV series that you are certain to not watch the second episode of.” Amen, brother. “Fantastic Four” is not fun, it’s not exciting and it’s certainly not good. Just go plop yourself down in front of the dryer for an hour 45; you’ll get more entertainment and odds are more character development than this film could ever offer.

Critics Rating: 2/10

Variety

Variety

‘Pixels’ Another Lazy Sandler Shtick

PixelsOfficialPosterIt’s that magical time of the year again! The sun is warm, the AC is blasting, and we are all enjoying our summer at the movies; so naturally Adam Sandler has to come and ruin things with another one of his films.

“Pixels” stars Sandler, Josh Gad, Peter Dinklage and Kevin James as former childhood arcade protégés who are the last line of defense when aliens send real-life 1980’s video games to destroy Earth. Chris Columbus directs.

“Pixels” had a few things going for it. Yes it starred the dynamic duo of Sandler and James, but it also featured Josh Gad and Peter Dinklage, who have the power to bring smiles to the screen. It also was from director Chris Columbus, who has given us such gems as “Mrs. Doubtfire” and the first two Harry Potter films, and isn’t one of Sandler’s normal cronies, Dennis Dugan or Frank Coraci. And unlike normal Sandler films, this one featured an actual interesting plot.

So where did it all go wrong? Well my money is when the Happy Madison banner appeared on screen.

“Pixels” looked different than your typical Sandler film, but the end product is your typical Sandler film. Sandler gets a girl who is out of his league, Kevin James trips over things (“and it’s funny because he’s fat!”) and you get more product placement than the Super Bowl. And yet again Sandler laughs and skips his way to the bank after hanging out with his friends on a movie set in an exotic location (it’s a good gig if you can get it).

I’ll get the positives for this film out now, because I feel if I delay any longer anything commendable about “Pixels” will flee from my mind. Josh Gad has a few funny one-liners, some of the video games attacking famous monuments are cool, and the film is far from Sandler’s worst. Ok [cracks knuckles] let’s do this.

All you need to know about how serious this film wants you to take it is that Kevin James is the President of the United States. [long pause] Yeah, I know. And his wife is Jane Krakowski (who has one line of dialogue in the film, by the way). Yeah. I know. By the time I accepted these facts, the film was half over.

Speaking of being half over, this film is paced horribly. Well, I shouldn’t say that. The first 30 minutes are swift; it’s the next 75 that are numbingly slow. There’s a point where Sandler and Co. are partying and drinking and having a merry-ole-time (odds are they didn’t even know they were filming the movie, they were just celebrating taking more money from hardworking American’s pockets). I felt like that scene had to be somewhere near the end of the film, however much to my dismay there was still the overlong, over-CGI stuffed finale to endure.

I’m also having a hard time figuring out the desired demographic for this movie. It is based around 80’s games (and songs) like Pac-Man and Centipede, so you would think middle-aged adults, right? But wait, there’s lots of sex and fart jokes, so must be teenage boys. But hold up, there’s little talking Q*bert (if you don’t know what that is then my point is proven) that wets itself when nervous. So clearly this is aimed at little kids. I don’t know, man…

I officially gave up on Adam Sandler back in 2013 with “Grown Ups 2” but deep down I had hope “Pixels” may finally be him turning a leaf and actually trying. I was wrong; he is still putting in the bare-minimum effort. “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”, they say. Well Adam Sandler has clearly never heard that saying because his formula is long broken but he doesn’t fix it, because that would require effort, something he hasn’t put into one of his Happy Madison films since 2005’s “Longest Yard.”

I don’t hate “Pixels,” despite what all the above implies, but it isn’t a good movie, and you don’t need to see it. Go watch the three minute short that the film is based off if you want to see video games attack a city. Peter Dinklage couldn’t save this movie, Chris Columbus couldn’t save this movie, heck, I doubt Mariano Rivera could save this trash.

Critics Rating: 3/10

Variety

Variety

Someone Please Terminate ‘Genisys’

Terminator_GenisysCalifornia just can’t seem to catch a break at the movies this summer. First an earthquake tears it apart in “San Andreas,” then Los Angeles is again soiled by the trash that was “Entourage,” and now it is the host of the nuclear apocalypse. And we thought a drought was their biggest problem.

“Terminator Genisys” is the fifth film in the Terminator franchise and the first since 2009. When Kyle Reese (Jai Courtney) is sent back to 1984 to protect Sarah Conner (Emilia Clarke), he finds out that he has entered an alternate timeline, and must team up with Sarah and the T-800 (Arnold Schwarzenegger) to stop Judgement Day from ever happening. Alan Taylor directs.

I don’t really know where to start with “Genisys”. I guess a fair place would be with the name, which isn’t even technically a word. In the film Genisys is the name of a program, but even then they don’t explain why it couldn’t be “Geneses”. I suppose that perfectly sums up “Terminator Genisys”: is doesn’t fully know what it wants to be, and is just a rip-off of a better, more coherent item.

“Genisys” [sigh] starts off in the events leading up to the opening moments of the original “Terminator” film, which was kind of cool. We get to see the other side of the time portal and what really led to the machines sending back Arnie, and why Reese was selected for the mission. Then everything starts to go downhill.

I got the feeling from the trailers and seeing the film just confirmed it: there is nothing special about this film, on any level. By that I mean it is just a cookie-cutter, PG-13 summer action flick, filled with standard, cliché action sequences and some cringe-worthy dialogue (which makes sense seeing as one of the film’s screenwriters has spent most of his career as an editor). And when lines aren’t clunky, they’re attempts at humor that are just that: attempts.

The biggest swing-and-a-miss at a joke was when Reese is fighting the 1984 Schwarzenegger Terminator he says, “I didn’t volunteer for this”. Oh, really? Because last time I checked you signed up to go back in time and protect Sarah Conner from the very Terminator you are currently fighting.

Not helping the cause is Jai Courtney, who plays Reese. Courtney seems like a cool guy in real life, but in movies he has done little to establish himself as a charismatic leading man. He delivers each line of serious dialogue with unintentional laughs, and botches every attempt at comedic relief. You never for a second buy that there is romantic chemistry between him and Sarah, and the absolute only reason you even window shop the idea is because you know in the first film they fell in love.

Alan Taylor directs this and I want to know the name of the studio executive that watched “Thor: The Dark World” and went, “Yes! Know the guy who directed the only bad Marvel film? Get me him; he’s the man to save the Terminator franchise!” Alan does nothing inspiring with his camera or narrative, and by the halfway point of the 30 minute climax I just kept rolling my eyes and thinking “oh my God, movie, end!”

The special effects aren’t even great, and if your special effects aren’t good in 2015, you really messed up. The film has a few nice twists (even though most are ruined in the trailer for whatever reason), and almost has an interesting bit of social commentary on what led to the apocalypse, but these are all squashed under the cardboard characters and increasingly frustrating tangled web that is a plot.

“Terminator Genisys” starts off well, and for a few minutes in the middle showed a glimpse at maybe getting good, but it quickly makes a detour back into Snoozeville…Population: the audience. Seeing Arnold back in his most famous role was fun for a second, but he’s ironically said “I’ll be back” in every film he’s been in since 1985, so my face remained stoic when the line was delivered here.

If you’re a diehard Terminator fan, then watch “Genisys” (that name, man, I’m telling you) when it comes out on DVD. If you could care less about the mythology of the franchise and just want some summer fun, go see “Jurassic World” again. Or throw two robot action figures at each other for two hours. I’m sure there’s more of narrative and fun to be found doing that than watching this.

Critics Rating: 3/10

Variety

Variety

Don’t Have Your Future Involve ‘Tomorrowland’

Tomorrowland_posterFor a movie that is all about trying to succeed, this film sure fails a lot.

“Tomorrowland” stars George Clooney as a former boy genius who embarks on a mission with a teen (Britt Robertson) in order to uncover the secrets of a distant place caught between space and time. Hugh Laurie co-stars as Brad Bird directs.

I really didn’t know much about “Tomorrowland” going in. I avoided trailers, but from what I was hearing even the trailers divulged very little about the film other than it involves George Clooney and spaceships. So I went in with an open mind, and what filled that mind was over two hours of sci-fi guns, robots and other futuristic gadgets, but all leading to very little avail.

Because the trailers don’t give much of the plot away, I won’t do the same here, but just know that it is incredibly simple yet somehow widely convoluted. While things are hinted at throughout, you don’t really get a clear view of what is happening and where our characters are going until the final act of the film, and I for one was not a fan of the mystery.

The film runs 130 minutes and oh boy does it feel like it; the pacing really is poor. It takes a while for things to get going, and Clooney doesn’t really come into play until around the first hour mark. When he finally does show, he is a breath of fresh air in an otherwise mundane “run away from the bad guys who want to catch me for reasons I don’t know why” plot, but that air can only stay fresh so long.

The script, written by Bird and Damon Lindelof, is all about never giving up, thinking positively, and trying to better humanity. Lindelof has never been one to write coherent works (just take a look at “Lost” or “Prometheus”), but the fact that this has Bird’s fingerprints on it is a bit of a letdown. He has two Oscar nominations for Best Original Screenplay (for “The Incredibles” and “Ratatouille,” both of which earned him Best Animated Feature statues), but some of the dialogue and plot points here just really had me cringing or rolling my eyes.

The film is rated PG, and since it makes sure to slap the Disney name on it you know that the film is meant for kids and families of all ages. I’m sure kids will be wowed by the towering future buildings and people soaring on jetpacks, but they also will have to put up with a teenage girl driving a truck and asking a lot of questions that never get answered, as well as images out nuclear holocausts. Fun stuff.

I don’t hate “Tomorrowland” because it is overly opportunistic or because it tries to get political (revealing what about would ruin the film, but it does make some good points). No, I disliked “Tomorrowland” so much because it is conflicting in its messaging and felt like each scene was disjointed moving from one the next.

The underlying message of the film is to think positively, so fine, here it goes: I’m positive “Tomorrowland” is a bad film.

Critics Rating: 3/10

TOMORROWLAND

Variety

Someone Please Arrest the ‘Paul Blart’ Sequel

Paul_Blart_-_Mall_Cop_2_posterIn a world of pointless movie sequels, this one may take the cake.

“Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2” is the follow-up no one asked to from the 2009 film, “Paul Blart: Mall Cop”. Written by and starring Kevin James, the film follows Paul Blart (whom, if you haven’t guessed by now, is a mall cop) to Las Vegas where he attends a security guard convention. While there, he discovers a plan for thieves to steal precious art, and must step up to save the day. Neal McDonough plays the villain as Andy Fickman directs.

I enjoyed the first “Paul Blart” for what it was. It wasn’t too serious and featured enough solid laughs to be worth a one-time watch. But near everything that worked about the first film, and by everything, I mean all the funny and charming actors including Bobby Cannavale and Stephen Rannazzi, are gone. Jayma Mays, who played Blart’s love interest, even chose not to return for this sequel and this is the same woman who said yes to “Smurfs” 1 and 2, so you know she’s willing to make trashy franchises. All this leaves “Paul Blart 2” with little to play with, and the result is a film that has little entertainment.

First things first, the film tries too hard to be funny, and there is nothing more desperate and unappealing than trying too hard (just ask any woman). Right from the opening scene, Blart’s mother (played by two-time Oscar nominee Shirley Knight) is run over by a milk truck—for laughs. Sure, you may smirk at the shock value of it, but the film treats what should be a horrific moment in Blart’s life as a punchline, and then keeps on doing so for the rest of the film. I also lost track at the amount of fat jokes in here.

Deep down, somewhere in this movie, there are a few jokes that work, like when cliché bad guy Neal McDonough (who is by far the film’s biggest asset) and Blart are having a yelling match about who is crazier, and McDonough goes, “I have two different colored eyeballs, because that’s how I live my life!” (I don’t know, I chuckled). But for every well thought out one-liner, there are a dozen, or baker’s dozen, because fat jokes, that fall flat. For example, when Blart beats one bad guy and says, “Always bet on Blart”, I cringed. All this leads up to a final act that is so ludicrous, and so full of terrible CGI, that it made me almost angry.

This is produced by Adam Sandler’s Happy Madison production team, so it should come as little shock that it is an unfunny comedy, featuring stale jokes, shameless product placement, and exotic locations so that the actors can vacation while they happen to film a movie.

“Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2” is far from the worst movie of 2015 (4+ months in and “50 Shades of Grey” still holds that distinction), and I chuckled a few times, but it really is a struggle to get through. Numerous times throughout the film, fellow security guards tell Blart that no one cares about him and what he did six years ago; audiences don’t care, either. This isn’t stupid fun like the first film; it’s just plain stupid.

“Avengers,” you cannot come soon enough…

Critics Rating: 4/10

Variety

Variety

‘Batman & Robin’: Cinematic Gold

In honor of April Fools Day, here is a sarcastic, positive review of “Batman & Robin”, one of the worst (but, hilarious) films ever made. Please don’t take anything in here seriously. If you’ve never seen the film, it’s really, really bad… But without further adieu…

220px-Batman_&_robin_posterForget Christopher Nolan and Christian Bale: Joel Schumacher and George Clooney are the masterminds behind the greatest Batman movie of all-time.

Released back in 1997, “Batman & Robin” remains not only the best film about Bruce Wayne’s alter ego, but quite simply one of the greatest superhero films ever made (right up with “Green Lantern” and “Superman IV: The Quest for Peace”). Directed by Joel Schumacher, B&R is a continuation of the original Batman franchise. George Clooney is the 3rd actor to put on the tights, after Michael Keaton and Val Kilmer both (I can only assume) realized they weren’t good enough for the role. Chris O’Donnell returns as Robin, while Alicia Silverstone portrays the character everyone was asking for, Batgirl. Arnold Schwarzenegger and Uma Thurman play Mr. Freeze and Poison Ivy, our villains.

Right from the opening scene of “Batman & Robin”, you know this will be unlike anything you’ve ever seen in a Batman film. The very first shots are close up on the crotches, butts and nipples of Batman and Robin. Now, the first three films were alright, but let’s be honest: there was a serious lacking of overly detailed rubber butts.

Then we get one of the greatest exchanges in maybe the history of ever. After the Batmobile appears, Robin says, “I want a car. Chicks dig the car”, and Batman quickly responds, “this is why Superman works alone”. This line is important because, on top of being hysterical, it means we are in a world where Superman exists. So we should get excited for the inevitable crossover.

Of course, a superhero film is only as good as its villains, and B&R has one that would put Heath Ledger’s Joker to shame. Schwarzenegger portrays a scientist gone mad, and it works because I always thought he was wasting his muscular physique in those action films. Speaking strictly in hilarious puns like, “what killed the dinosaurs? The ice age!” and “allow me to break the ice” (get it? Cuz he’s Mr. FREEZE), this is one cool character (ha! I made one myself!).

His plan is brilliant, too. He wants to steal diamonds to fuel a freeze ray to freeze Gotham City and hold it hostage so he can afford to save his dying wife. “Why couldn’t he just sell the diamonds to save his wife?” you may ask. The film never tells us; it makes us think, only adding to the brilliant depth of it all.

The action in the previous Batman films was alright, but they made attempts to stick to something resembling the rules of physics. But not “Batman & Robin”, oh no! It has Robin climb rocket ships that are way past the livable atmosphere, as well as the crime-fighting duo sliding down a dinosaur’s tail ala Fred Flinstone.

I’m sure by this point you’re itching to see “Batman & Robin”, so I’ll end the review here. All you need to know is it’s a fun, masterfully written portrayal of Batman, and I’m so glad that it was the last adaption that Bob Kane, the man who created Batman, ever lived to see.

Critics Rating: 10/10

NOTE: Please don’t watch “Batman & Robin”. Like, ever. This part is not a joke. It’s really, really awful.