Tag Archives: rant

‘Ridiculous Six’ May Be Sandler’s Worst

The_Ridiculous_6_posterAdam Sandler may not be funny, but give him credit; he is one heck of a businessman.

“The Ridiculous Six” is the first of Sandler’s four film deal with Netflix (because he wised up and realized people have gotten too smart to pay theatrical price for his “comedies”). The film stars Sandler, Terry Crews, Jorge Garcia, Taylor Lautner, Rob Schneider, and Luke Wilson as half-brothers who must set out to rescue their father (Nick Nolte) in the Wild West. Frank Coraci directs.

I personally gave up on Sandler long ago, and I was never a huge fan in the first place. I think he is great in films that he doesn’t write/produce (like the underappreciated “Funny People”), but all too often (aka always) he phones in his performances and instead just delivers an unfunny film as an excuse to go on vacation with his friends. Clearly Sandler realized audiences were wising up to his act and decided to strike up a deal with Netflix (which, why, Netflix? You’re doing so well…), where his films cannot be judged off their lack of box office success. But maybe not having the stress of the box office would make Sandler try, and maybe being with director Frank Coraci, who directed Sandler’s arguable best film, “The Wedding Singer,” would be the kick-in-the-butt he needed. Yeah. And maybe Donald Trump isn’t insane.

I went into this movie thinking it was going to be a bad, lazy, sexist, racist, unfunny Adam Sandler film, and lo and behold, I was right. But there is just something about “Ridiculous Six” that seems even worse. It is somehow worse than his film from earlier in 2015, “Pixels,” and arguably the worst film of his career (it is without a doubt his worst performance).

I guess I’ll break this film down by what it is and what it isn’t. First: in true Sandler fashion, it is lazy. You want an example of one of the jokes? A donkey projectile poops against a wall for five seconds. Now if you thought that wasn’t funny the first time, you’re going to stare in amazement at the next four occurrences. No joke, I was leaning over to say something to my friend (who had the misfortune of watching this alongside me) and the first time the donkey did its thing I genuinely exclaimed, “what the [expletive] was that!?” Not because I was frightened by a jump scare, but because it is so random and so juvenile that it mere existence took my inner-being by surprise.

The film is also racist and sexist, per ush. There are plenty of Native American “jokes” sprinkled throughout the film (and I don’t put jokes in quotes because they’re tasteless and I’m being PC; I put it in quotes because they never show anything resembling an attempt to be funny). There are also black and Mexican jokes galore; Rob Schneider plays a Hispanic man who wears a sombrero the entire film. Get it? Because he’s Mexican? And they ride donkeys and have sombreros? HA!

There’s then a scene where the Six come across Abner Doubleday as he is inventing baseball (the film’s only scene of merit, as it pokes fun at some of the sport’s sillier rules). However, and I kid you not, in the moment leading up to the scene I turned to my friend and said, “well I mean the Natives and Hispanics are getting hit pretty hard, but at least Sandler is leaving the Asians alone.” I jinxed it. Because mere moments later, the men come across Doubleday talking to a group of Asian men, all wearing stereotypical Asian headwear, and I let out a long sigh and “offff course.”

Then there’s the classic Sandler trope that God-forbid any female character impacts the plot. Also may Hell freeze over if any woman has ANYTHING to offer besides their cleavage. The one woman person who has the benefit of being more than a flesh trophy is captured and escapes in the same scene, begging the question why the scene exists, and then only returns to become a damsel in distress in the film’s climax.

And the editing in this film, oh my God. Some scenes just draw on forever (did I mention this film is two hours long?). My only theory is the film made it through the first cut of edits and the editor quit because he could not in good conscience watch any more of this film, much less take part in sending something out into the internet that would be seen by millions of innocent, underserving civilians.

I’ll give the film a pat on the back, at least it is…watchable? Like it isn’t like “Fantastic Four” bad where I was squirming in my seat and needed the film to be over. I was having a good enough time making fun of it, and I did laugh maybe three times, albeit I instantly felt guilty for doing so.

Here’s the bottom line about “The Ridiculous Six” besides “don’t watch it.” It is just another and yet somehow worse Adam Sandler film, and further proof he does not care about you or any another movie-lover. He only cares about getting richer and hanging out with his friends, and for that he is a brilliant and ruthless businessman. It will be interesting to see if Netflix honors the remaining three films on Sandler’s contract, because I cannot see a single person itching to see anymore Sandler anytime soon.

Critics Rating: 3/10

Variety

‘Fantastic Bore’ Is Frustratingly Awful

Fantastic_Four_2015_posterI am at a loss for words on how uneventful this movie is, so no time for a clever opening. Let’s just get right into this evisceration.

“Fantastic Four” is the latest attempt to reboot the Marvel Comics team of the same name, and stars Miles Teller, Michael B. Jordan, Kate Mara and Jamie Bell as Mr. Fantastic, the Human Torch, the Invisible Woman and The Thing, respectively. [Normally this is where I would insert a brief plot summary, but truly this film is so massively uneventful that I couldn’t give you a storyline if I tried]. Josh Trank, who directed “Chronicle,” directs and co-writes here.

Right from its conception, this film was a mess. It was no secret that Sony made it simply to hold onto the rights, and then there are plenty of stories of Trank showing up on set stoned and drunk, or not showing up at all (for legal reasons, I should say “allegedly”). Then they had to do extensive reshoots, which are painfully obvious due to haircuts/wigs and awkward dialogue dubs. In all honesty, look up all the behind-the-scenes drama involving the director and producers; it is 100x more entertaining than the movie they ended up creating.

On top of those red flags, ear-piercing alarms should have been sounding when it was announced the film wouldn’t allow reviews to be posted until the day before release (which is as sure a sign that a movie is terrible as dark clouds mean it’s going to rain), and lead actor Miles Teller saying that none of the stars had seen the finished film, and that “rarely are films of this size critically well received”. That’s…comforting.

Boy, halfway done with this review and all I’ve done is give reasons why we all thought it would fail. Where are my manners? Who knows? Maybe all the reshoots and on-set tension created something truly special, and we were worrying for nothing! (We weren’t, though, this movie is awful)

I truly, honestly, sincerely have no idea where to begin. I am genuinely at a loss for words, and that isn’t a great thing to be considering my God-given talent (and livelihood) is putting pen to paper. I guess we can start with how badly they botched the amazing cast. I am a huge Miles Teller fan; I’ve had a man-crush on him ever since “21 & Over.” But here? Oh boy, did Trank and Co. try their very hardest to make him awful. The entire cast, in fact; they’re all talented young actors who together have no chemistry. I hate to compare this to the 2005 film because I think reboots should be judged on their own accord, but say what you will about the old F4 films, at least the four members seemed like they were friends.

Next is the “plot.” If you’ve seen the trailer you’ve seen the film. I remember watching the trailers and every time I would think, “this looks like it’s spliced from just three scenes, what’s the plot?” And I was right to question; there is no plot. What shred of a narrative there is revolves around the group building an interdimensional transportation device (because simply going to space nowadays is too mainstream), getting their powers, and then everything kind of rushes an oh-my-god awful ending.

Seriously, though, the ending to this movie is just…I don’t even know. To steal a quote from Michael Scott: “It’s simply beyond words. It’s incalculable”. The first third of the film is innocent enough, showing a young Teller trying to crack all the science, and then there’s a few (I stress, A FEW) interesting and fun moments. Then they get their powers by traveling to “Planet Zero” (named after how much interest I had left in the film by this point) and Trank treats it like a horror film, which for a second I liked. The idea of finding your one friend burning alive and another trapped in a pile of rocks is enough to break a psyche. But then they skip ahead a year (because who wants to watch them struggle and learn to control their new powers, right?) and everything gets worse. You get bored and the film goes nowhere.

Then the climax happens, and oh my God. I didn’t think it was possible to have negative amount of suspense or emotional attachment to a film, but give “Fantastic Four” credit because it did just that. When Victor Von Doom (Toby Kebbell) arrives to be the villain (after all, with a name like that, he had a limited pool of career choices), you don’t care. There is one fun tracking shot of him walking down a hallway and he makes everyone he passes’ head explode, but then he engages in a horrible CGI battle with the Four. And you just. don’t. care.

Look, I could go on for days about why this movie is awful, but my head may just explode like one of those poor people Dr. Doom strolls past. The film plays out as one big (boring) trailer for future films, which, based on critical and fanboy reception, I doubt we’ll ever see, and it’s adorable the filmmakers thought they ever would. “The Incredibles” remains the only truly good Fantastic Four film, and this makes the 2005 film and its sequel look like “The Dark Knight.”

I thought critic Ben Mankiewicz’s description of the film perfectly sums everything up: “it feels like the first episode of a TV series that you are certain to not watch the second episode of.” Amen, brother. “Fantastic Four” is not fun, it’s not exciting and it’s certainly not good. Just go plop yourself down in front of the dryer for an hour 45; you’ll get more entertainment and odds are more character development than this film could ever offer.

Critics Rating: 2/10

Variety

Variety

‘Pixels’ Another Lazy Sandler Shtick

PixelsOfficialPosterIt’s that magical time of the year again! The sun is warm, the AC is blasting, and we are all enjoying our summer at the movies; so naturally Adam Sandler has to come and ruin things with another one of his films.

“Pixels” stars Sandler, Josh Gad, Peter Dinklage and Kevin James as former childhood arcade protégés who are the last line of defense when aliens send real-life 1980’s video games to destroy Earth. Chris Columbus directs.

“Pixels” had a few things going for it. Yes it starred the dynamic duo of Sandler and James, but it also featured Josh Gad and Peter Dinklage, who have the power to bring smiles to the screen. It also was from director Chris Columbus, who has given us such gems as “Mrs. Doubtfire” and the first two Harry Potter films, and isn’t one of Sandler’s normal cronies, Dennis Dugan or Frank Coraci. And unlike normal Sandler films, this one featured an actual interesting plot.

So where did it all go wrong? Well my money is when the Happy Madison banner appeared on screen.

“Pixels” looked different than your typical Sandler film, but the end product is your typical Sandler film. Sandler gets a girl who is out of his league, Kevin James trips over things (“and it’s funny because he’s fat!”) and you get more product placement than the Super Bowl. And yet again Sandler laughs and skips his way to the bank after hanging out with his friends on a movie set in an exotic location (it’s a good gig if you can get it).

I’ll get the positives for this film out now, because I feel if I delay any longer anything commendable about “Pixels” will flee from my mind. Josh Gad has a few funny one-liners, some of the video games attacking famous monuments are cool, and the film is far from Sandler’s worst. Ok [cracks knuckles] let’s do this.

All you need to know about how serious this film wants you to take it is that Kevin James is the President of the United States. [long pause] Yeah, I know. And his wife is Jane Krakowski (who has one line of dialogue in the film, by the way). Yeah. I know. By the time I accepted these facts, the film was half over.

Speaking of being half over, this film is paced horribly. Well, I shouldn’t say that. The first 30 minutes are swift; it’s the next 75 that are numbingly slow. There’s a point where Sandler and Co. are partying and drinking and having a merry-ole-time (odds are they didn’t even know they were filming the movie, they were just celebrating taking more money from hardworking American’s pockets). I felt like that scene had to be somewhere near the end of the film, however much to my dismay there was still the overlong, over-CGI stuffed finale to endure.

I’m also having a hard time figuring out the desired demographic for this movie. It is based around 80’s games (and songs) like Pac-Man and Centipede, so you would think middle-aged adults, right? But wait, there’s lots of sex and fart jokes, so must be teenage boys. But hold up, there’s little talking Q*bert (if you don’t know what that is then my point is proven) that wets itself when nervous. So clearly this is aimed at little kids. I don’t know, man…

I officially gave up on Adam Sandler back in 2013 with “Grown Ups 2” but deep down I had hope “Pixels” may finally be him turning a leaf and actually trying. I was wrong; he is still putting in the bare-minimum effort. “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”, they say. Well Adam Sandler has clearly never heard that saying because his formula is long broken but he doesn’t fix it, because that would require effort, something he hasn’t put into one of his Happy Madison films since 2005’s “Longest Yard.”

I don’t hate “Pixels,” despite what all the above implies, but it isn’t a good movie, and you don’t need to see it. Go watch the three minute short that the film is based off if you want to see video games attack a city. Peter Dinklage couldn’t save this movie, Chris Columbus couldn’t save this movie, heck, I doubt Mariano Rivera could save this trash.

Critics Rating: 3/10

Variety

Variety

Someone Please Arrest the ‘Paul Blart’ Sequel

Paul_Blart_-_Mall_Cop_2_posterIn a world of pointless movie sequels, this one may take the cake.

“Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2” is the follow-up no one asked to from the 2009 film, “Paul Blart: Mall Cop”. Written by and starring Kevin James, the film follows Paul Blart (whom, if you haven’t guessed by now, is a mall cop) to Las Vegas where he attends a security guard convention. While there, he discovers a plan for thieves to steal precious art, and must step up to save the day. Neal McDonough plays the villain as Andy Fickman directs.

I enjoyed the first “Paul Blart” for what it was. It wasn’t too serious and featured enough solid laughs to be worth a one-time watch. But near everything that worked about the first film, and by everything, I mean all the funny and charming actors including Bobby Cannavale and Stephen Rannazzi, are gone. Jayma Mays, who played Blart’s love interest, even chose not to return for this sequel and this is the same woman who said yes to “Smurfs” 1 and 2, so you know she’s willing to make trashy franchises. All this leaves “Paul Blart 2” with little to play with, and the result is a film that has little entertainment.

First things first, the film tries too hard to be funny, and there is nothing more desperate and unappealing than trying too hard (just ask any woman). Right from the opening scene, Blart’s mother (played by two-time Oscar nominee Shirley Knight) is run over by a milk truck—for laughs. Sure, you may smirk at the shock value of it, but the film treats what should be a horrific moment in Blart’s life as a punchline, and then keeps on doing so for the rest of the film. I also lost track at the amount of fat jokes in here.

Deep down, somewhere in this movie, there are a few jokes that work, like when cliché bad guy Neal McDonough (who is by far the film’s biggest asset) and Blart are having a yelling match about who is crazier, and McDonough goes, “I have two different colored eyeballs, because that’s how I live my life!” (I don’t know, I chuckled). But for every well thought out one-liner, there are a dozen, or baker’s dozen, because fat jokes, that fall flat. For example, when Blart beats one bad guy and says, “Always bet on Blart”, I cringed. All this leads up to a final act that is so ludicrous, and so full of terrible CGI, that it made me almost angry.

This is produced by Adam Sandler’s Happy Madison production team, so it should come as little shock that it is an unfunny comedy, featuring stale jokes, shameless product placement, and exotic locations so that the actors can vacation while they happen to film a movie.

“Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2” is far from the worst movie of 2015 (4+ months in and “50 Shades of Grey” still holds that distinction), and I chuckled a few times, but it really is a struggle to get through. Numerous times throughout the film, fellow security guards tell Blart that no one cares about him and what he did six years ago; audiences don’t care, either. This isn’t stupid fun like the first film; it’s just plain stupid.

“Avengers,” you cannot come soon enough…

Critics Rating: 4/10

Variety

Variety

‘Batman & Robin’: Cinematic Gold

In honor of April Fools Day, here is a sarcastic, positive review of “Batman & Robin”, one of the worst (but, hilarious) films ever made. Please don’t take anything in here seriously. If you’ve never seen the film, it’s really, really bad… But without further adieu…

220px-Batman_&_robin_posterForget Christopher Nolan and Christian Bale: Joel Schumacher and George Clooney are the masterminds behind the greatest Batman movie of all-time.

Released back in 1997, “Batman & Robin” remains not only the best film about Bruce Wayne’s alter ego, but quite simply one of the greatest superhero films ever made (right up with “Green Lantern” and “Superman IV: The Quest for Peace”). Directed by Joel Schumacher, B&R is a continuation of the original Batman franchise. George Clooney is the 3rd actor to put on the tights, after Michael Keaton and Val Kilmer both (I can only assume) realized they weren’t good enough for the role. Chris O’Donnell returns as Robin, while Alicia Silverstone portrays the character everyone was asking for, Batgirl. Arnold Schwarzenegger and Uma Thurman play Mr. Freeze and Poison Ivy, our villains.

Right from the opening scene of “Batman & Robin”, you know this will be unlike anything you’ve ever seen in a Batman film. The very first shots are close up on the crotches, butts and nipples of Batman and Robin. Now, the first three films were alright, but let’s be honest: there was a serious lacking of overly detailed rubber butts.

Then we get one of the greatest exchanges in maybe the history of ever. After the Batmobile appears, Robin says, “I want a car. Chicks dig the car”, and Batman quickly responds, “this is why Superman works alone”. This line is important because, on top of being hysterical, it means we are in a world where Superman exists. So we should get excited for the inevitable crossover.

Of course, a superhero film is only as good as its villains, and B&R has one that would put Heath Ledger’s Joker to shame. Schwarzenegger portrays a scientist gone mad, and it works because I always thought he was wasting his muscular physique in those action films. Speaking strictly in hilarious puns like, “what killed the dinosaurs? The ice age!” and “allow me to break the ice” (get it? Cuz he’s Mr. FREEZE), this is one cool character (ha! I made one myself!).

His plan is brilliant, too. He wants to steal diamonds to fuel a freeze ray to freeze Gotham City and hold it hostage so he can afford to save his dying wife. “Why couldn’t he just sell the diamonds to save his wife?” you may ask. The film never tells us; it makes us think, only adding to the brilliant depth of it all.

The action in the previous Batman films was alright, but they made attempts to stick to something resembling the rules of physics. But not “Batman & Robin”, oh no! It has Robin climb rocket ships that are way past the livable atmosphere, as well as the crime-fighting duo sliding down a dinosaur’s tail ala Fred Flinstone.

I’m sure by this point you’re itching to see “Batman & Robin”, so I’ll end the review here. All you need to know is it’s a fun, masterfully written portrayal of Batman, and I’m so glad that it was the last adaption that Bob Kane, the man who created Batman, ever lived to see.

Critics Rating: 10/10

NOTE: Please don’t watch “Batman & Robin”. Like, ever. This part is not a joke. It’s really, really awful.

‘The Gunman’ Low On Guns, High on Snoozes

The_Gunman_Official_Theatrical_PosterA message to Sean Penn: Liam Neeson you are not.

“The Gunman” stars Sean Penn as an ex-gun-for-hire who carried out a foreign assassination and finds his past catching up to him eight years later. Idris Elba, Ray Winstone and Javier Bardem also star as Pierre Morel (director of the first “Taken” film) directs.

On paper, this movie should have worked. Sure, the “retired gunman comes out for one last job” is a rehashed genre (heck, I just reviewed “Run All Night” the other day), but “Gunman” has an A-list cast, a director who showed he can direct a 50-year-old in an action film, and a fun-looking trailer. What’s the end result? A bunch of A-list cameos, shoddily executed action scenes, and a trailer that clearly knew it had to lie about the true content of its product.

For a movie entitled “The Gunman” there sure is a scarcity of guns in this film. Like seriously, I think there are three shootouts in this, and most of them consist of Sean Penn ducking in-and-out of cover, spraying his gun at what he hopes are enemies.

The film takes a few minutes to get up and running, giving us what I assume they intended to be character development (it’s just boring forced narrative). When the first shot is finally taken, you think you’re in for a solid action film. LOL, nope. The rest of the first act is an awkward and unbelievable soap opera drama between Penn, Bardem and Penn’s ex-girlfriend, who is now Bardem’s wife and Bardem is threatened by Penn, but he’s not, and…I don’t know what to tell you, the film is a mess.

Let’s get to the characters. No one in this film acts like a real person. Bardem is a clowny cartoon, who says things that made me cringe and scratch my head. In his limited screen time he is just a laughing, bumbling goofball, paranoid that Penn is simply there to steal his wife. Idris Elba shows up for five minutes simply to put his name on the poster, and Ray Winstone does his grumbling Ray Winstone thing. Any big name actor on the poster not named Sean Penn is in this movie for no more than 15 minutes, I kid you not.

I really don’t know if there’s anything good I can say about “The Gunman”. The more I write about it, the more I’m growing to dislike it, and I walked out disliking it a pretty fair amount as was. Even the set pieces of the Congo, London and Rome are so bland they don’t add any visual candy to the experience.

Sean Penn clearly wanted to make this movie (he also produced and co-wrote it), but this passion project was a struggle to sit through. The film is so agonizingly paced, clichédly written and boring in its narrative that when the gun battles we were promised in the trailer finally arrive, we just don’t care.

“The Gunman” has all the looks and feel of a mid-day soap opera, but all the razor-sharp excitement of a mid-day soap opera. The only reason this mundane “action” film won’t derail Sean Penn’s career is because the only people who will hopefully ever be forced to sit through it are in an interrogation room in Guantanamo Bay.

Critics Rating: 3/10

the-gunman-sean-penn

Variety

There Are 100 Things Wrong with ’50 Shades of Grey’

Fifty-Gray-posterWell…let’s get this thing over with, shall we?

“Fifty Shades of Grey” is based off the best-selling novel of the same name by E. L. James (maybe you’ve heard of it?). The film stars Dakota Johnson as Anastasia Steele, a recent college grad who falls for a young billionaire named Christian Grey, played by Jamie Dornan, who has very specific tastes, to keep things PG. Sam Taylor-Johnson directs.

I really had no idea what to expect as I walked into this film. I knew that the novel was controversial (I also heard it was one of the worst books ever written), but that’s about it. Even the trailers of the film didn’t do much to suggest a plot summary. Walking out I now know why the trailers didn’t show much: it’s because this movie isn’t about anything and is just downright awful.

I could probably write a thesis paper on what is wrong with this movie, but let’s start with the two leads, Johnson and Dornan. By themselves they’re both serviceable, but together they have almost an awkward amount of lacking chemistry, and are given some of the worst dialogue in the history of cinema to recite.

Seriously, within the first 10 minutes of the film I was cringing at some of the writing, and my friend even leaned over to me and said that the dialogue was awful. I can’t even repeat most of the lines because they’re hilariously intentionally vulgar, but I’ll give you an example of a scene that had me shaking my head.

After having met Christian Grey on two occasions combining for probably about 25 minutes of together time, Anastasia Steele drunk-calls him while out celebrating having just finished college. He gets all upset and mad at her, a 25-year-old woman, for being at a bar, and then somehow (never explained how) he finds her and brings her home. And then the next morning she’s all impressed and they begin their relationship. Like, no. I know Grey is supposed to be a control freak, but no one is that uptight about people they just met.

The pacing in this movie is also an atrocity; I saw people checking their phones every 10 minutes. Every scene consists of essentially the same arc. Christian and Anastasia do their “Fifty Shades of Grey” thing, Anastasia wants Christian to open up to her, he yells and says he can’t, she cries, rinse, repeat. It’s so mundane and repetitive that it makes this two hour runtime feel like an eternity.

It’s also worth noting that there are three scene transitions that burned my eyes. It goes from inside a dark room at night to a bright Seattle skyline instantly, and everyone in the audience exclaimed at once.

Let’s get to the positives. …I mean… director Sam Taylor-Johnson used to be an artist, so the film looks nice. Some of the scenery and tonal colors work well together…that’s actually all I can think of.

I was bored out of my skull watching “Fifty Shades of Grey”, and it isn’t even like the graphic and racy parts live up to the hype (I’ve seen way worse in movies). The whole movie is about Christian Grey tying up and torturing Anastasia, yet I felt like the only one trapped and abused. This isn’t a “so-bad-it’s-good” movie. This is a “so-awful-I-actually-feel-dumber” movie. The actors have no chemistry, the writing is cringe-worthy and the plot is pointless.

There’s a part in the film when Christian is talking about a disclosure contract he makes Anastasia sign, and he says, “forget the contract, it’s getting redundant”. I just rolled my eyes and thought, “this movie is getting redundant…”

Critics Rating: 2/10

fifty-shades-of-grey-berlin-film-festival

Variety

Third Time is Far From the Charm with ‘Taken 3’

Taken_3_poster            I really have to stop giving movies the benefit of the doubt.

Liam Neeson returns as Bryan Mills, the man with a particular set of skills, in “Taken 3”. This time around no one is taken but instead Bryan is framed for the murder of his ex-wife and must run from the LAPD and clear his name. The film is directed by Olivier Megaton, who directed “Taken 2” but not “Taken 1”, so do with that info what you will.

“Taken 3” is the third movie in a series, is following a subpar sequel, and is being released in January. There is literally no reason why I should have thought this would be a good film but alas, I went in optimistic.

That was my mistake and I take full responsibility

There’s a lot going on in “Taken 3” and almost none of it is done coherently. Much like “Taken 2”, Megaton cannot shoot a clean PG-13 action scene, and everything is done using shaky-cam, close-ups and quick, nausea-inducing edits. There is one segment when Neeson is running from the police and you can’t tell what is going on. I actually had to look away from the screen because it was hurting my eyes.

The saving grace is that there isn’t much action in this action film. I actually timed it: it takes 40 minutes for Neeson to punch someone, exactly an hour for him to kill someone and an hour-twenty before he fires a gun. In a movie that is marketed as Liam Neeson killing bad guys, and the third film of a franchise that has seen him kill a combined 50 men, taking over half the film for someone to finally die is unacceptable.

One of the things “Taken 3” almost does well is Forest Whitaker’s new character. Playing the inspector assigned to solving the murder, Whitaker is pretty much Neeson’s mental equal. Every time Neeson tries to pull something, like lose a cell phone or distract the police with a fake car, Whitaker knows it’s a trap and doesn’t fall for it. For a while it is was interesting, however by the end of the film is becomes more tedious because it means that no one is actually gaining any ground on one another.

Try now, if you will, to remember “A Good Day to Die Hard” and how indestructible John McClane has become. That is Liam Neeson in the Taken franchise. He survives things that no human being could ever live through, such as a car flipping a dozen times down a hill and said car then exploding. What’s worse is in the very next scene he is shown completely unharmed, and the film either doesn’t explain how he survived and just expects you to accept it or worse offers a ludicrous, implausible explanation.

This is the best way I can sum it up: the Taken trilogy is just like the Hangover films. The first film was a fun surprise, the second was a subpar but passable carbon copy, and the third tries to divert from the original formula but it ends in horrifically boring results.

“Taken 3” is an uneventful film that is hampered by ineffective PG-13 action sequences, and even seemingly dedicated performances by Neeson and Whitaker can’t elevate an awful script. There isn’t much more to say about this film. The word “taken” is in the title, yet the only thing taken is the audience’s $10. The poster for the film says “It Ends Here”; I sure as heck hope so.

Critics Rating: 3/10

Variety

Variety

‘Exodus’: The Book Was Better

Exodus2014Poster            Oh, Hollywood. Yet another example of one of your movies being not as good as the book on which it is based.

“Exodus: Gods and Kings” is the retelling of the age-old story about how Moses led the Hebrews out of Egypt. Christian Bale stars as Moses, Joel Edgerton plays the Pharaoh Ramesses, and Aaron Paul, Ben Kingsley and John Turturro all co-star. Ridley Scott directs.

Earlier this year we got another Bible epic, “Noah”, which was met to mixed responses but I personally enjoyed. Some people complained that director Darren Aronofsky took too much liberty with the story (you know, rock giants, and all), but I was for the most part willing to accept the film for what it was. And when compared to “Exodus”, “Noah” looks like a biblical masterpiece.

There is just so much going on in “Exodus” and almost none of it is done well, and even the parts that are properly executed have been done before and been done better. The plagues are all visually impressive, and we get some engaging bird’s eye shots of ancient Egypt, but I mean it’s 2014; if your film doesn’t have good CGI at this point then you’re well behind the eight ball.

Speaking of the plagues, the direction they chose to take them was interesting. Instead of direct punishment from God, the film places blame on natural causes and chain-of-events, such as the Nile becoming polluted and killing the fish, which led to an overabundance of frogs, and so forth.

The acting in the film is all pretty standard, even with Bale trying his best. He has a few riveting moments as the historical figure, but the script is so flat and the character development is so non-existent that his efforts are wasted.

The film begins with adult Moses and Ramesses going into battle, so we only learn of their relationship as adopted brothers through stories and narration. When Moses returns after nine years of banishment, we do not see how the two brothers’ relationship is strained or how having to become enemies has placed stress on them. The film simply continues to go through the motions.

Ramesses is a one-dimensional character, whom we root against simply because the movie tells us to. By the time the big confrontation at the Red Sea arrives, you feel no real urge to root for his demise or see him or his army defeated (I mean, kind of spoiler, but you’ve had over 3,000 years to read the story).

Finally, the running time of this movie. Oh my God, the run time. To paraphrase “The Social Network”, since this thing started I think I may have missed a birthday. After learning of his true identity, Moses is exiled from Egypt for nine years. In all honestly, it felt like this movie lasted longer than Moses’ banishment. It is so painfully paced and at times uneventful, I brainstormed this whole paragraph while watching the film.

“Exodus: Gods and Kings” has huge ambitions but it showed limited effort to try and meet them. Bale elevates a bland script to the best of his ability, and the plagues and parting of the Red Sea are all good looking, but the film as a whole feels empty, and scenes that should be emotionally stirring range from tedious to almost laughable. I will leave you with an imploration to watch “Noah”, a biblical film that at its height is grand and awe-striking, and at its low is still much better than anything “Exodus” thought it was.

Critics Rating: 3/10

Horrible Accurate Description of ‘Bosses 2’

Horrible_Bosses_2            The moment they announced “Horrible Bosses 2” was a thing I scratched my head. I loved the first film, it remains one of my favorite comedies of all-time, but it just didn’t have substance to warrant a sequel. Then director Seth Gordon said he wouldn’t be returning and he was replaced with Sean Anders. All these were red flags but I held up hope that the returning cast would make this sequel work.

They couldn’t.

“Horrible Bosses 2” follows Nick, Kurt and Dale (Jason Bateman, Jason Sudeikis and Charlie Day) after they have quit their jobs and started their own business with their invention, The Shower Buddy. When they are scammed by an investor and his son (Christoph Waltz and Chris Pine), they decide their only course of action is to kidnap the son and hold him for ransom (because, duh).

I don’t really know where to start with this film, because it really is disappointing. Comedy sequels are rarely as good as the original (“22 Jump Street” excluded), but I expected “Horrible Bosses 2” to at least have the same tone as the first film. The writers of the original film, John Francis Daley and Jonathan Goldstein, wrote a draft for this film but when Anders took over as director he and his writing partner John Morris reworked the script (the duo helped on the scripts of the scattershot but very funny “We’re the Millers” and “Hot Tub Time Machine”). Some of the first film’s bite and self-awareness still remain, but most of the jokes now are nothing more than poop and sex gags, which are Anders’ trademark.

The movie is paced in a way that just doesn’t work. It takes a full hour before the trio even discusses the kidnapping scheme, or at least it felt like that. This clearly was not an idea that could carry an entire film, so it was stretched by having an entire subplot involving Jennifer Aniston’s sex-crazed dentist. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for Jennifer Aniston, but when she starts to fantasize about 14-year-old boys at wrestling camp, you lost me.

Bateman, Day and Sudeikis (whom I love and believe is very underrated) all still have fun chemistry and give and take among each other, and Electro himself Jamie Foxx is back as Dean MF Jones, but they can’t save this sinking ship.

Christoph Waltz is criminally underused as the film’s antagonist (pun intended?), but there’s still something about seeing Hans Landa play a ruthless business man that put a smirk on my face. Pine seems to be having a blast as the spoiled son, who partners up with the trio in the hostage plan to get back at his dad. Kevin Spacey also returns for a few minutes as Dave Harken, but in the end that only made me miss the first film even more.

In retrospect, expectations for “Horrible Bosses 2” shouldn’t have been high, as they put “horrible” right in the title, alongside the number two, which is all this film is: poop.

There is a saving grace towards the end of the film with a few twists and an interestingly executed hostage plan, but that saving grace comes in the form of a bullet to the head, saving my soul from this unjustified, heart-crushing sequel.

Critics Rating: 4/10