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‘Batman & Robin’: Cinematic Gold

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In honor of April Fools Day, here is a sarcastic, positive review of “Batman & Robin”, one of the worst (but, hilarious) films ever made. Please don’t take anything in here seriously. If you’ve never seen the film, it’s really, really bad… But without further adieu…

220px-Batman_&_robin_posterForget Christopher Nolan and Christian Bale: Joel Schumacher and George Clooney are the masterminds behind the greatest Batman movie of all-time.

Released back in 1997, “Batman & Robin” remains not only the best film about Bruce Wayne’s alter ego, but quite simply one of the greatest superhero films ever made (right up with “Green Lantern” and “Superman IV: The Quest for Peace”). Directed by Joel Schumacher, B&R is a continuation of the original Batman franchise. George Clooney is the 3rd actor to put on the tights, after Michael Keaton and Val Kilmer both (I can only assume) realized they weren’t good enough for the role. Chris O’Donnell returns as Robin, while Alicia Silverstone portrays the character everyone was asking for, Batgirl. Arnold Schwarzenegger and Uma Thurman play Mr. Freeze and Poison Ivy, our villains.

Right from the opening scene of “Batman & Robin”, you know this will be unlike anything you’ve ever seen in a Batman film. The very first shots are close up on the crotches, butts and nipples of Batman and Robin. Now, the first three films were alright, but let’s be honest: there was a serious lacking of overly detailed rubber butts.

Then we get one of the greatest exchanges in maybe the history of ever. After the Batmobile appears, Robin says, “I want a car. Chicks dig the car”, and Batman quickly responds, “this is why Superman works alone”. This line is important because, on top of being hysterical, it means we are in a world where Superman exists. So we should get excited for the inevitable crossover.

Of course, a superhero film is only as good as its villains, and B&R has one that would put Heath Ledger’s Joker to shame. Schwarzenegger portrays a scientist gone mad, and it works because I always thought he was wasting his muscular physique in those action films. Speaking strictly in hilarious puns like, “what killed the dinosaurs? The ice age!” and “allow me to break the ice” (get it? Cuz he’s Mr. FREEZE), this is one cool character (ha! I made one myself!).

His plan is brilliant, too. He wants to steal diamonds to fuel a freeze ray to freeze Gotham City and hold it hostage so he can afford to save his dying wife. “Why couldn’t he just sell the diamonds to save his wife?” you may ask. The film never tells us; it makes us think, only adding to the brilliant depth of it all.

The action in the previous Batman films was alright, but they made attempts to stick to something resembling the rules of physics. But not “Batman & Robin”, oh no! It has Robin climb rocket ships that are way past the livable atmosphere, as well as the crime-fighting duo sliding down a dinosaur’s tail ala Fred Flinstone.

I’m sure by this point you’re itching to see “Batman & Robin”, so I’ll end the review here. All you need to know is it’s a fun, masterfully written portrayal of Batman, and I’m so glad that it was the last adaption that Bob Kane, the man who created Batman, ever lived to see.

Critics Rating: 10/10

NOTE: Please don’t watch “Batman & Robin”. Like, ever. This part is not a joke. It’s really, really awful.

‘Sex Tape’ a Satisfying Comedy

Sex_Tape_(film)“Sex Tape” is pretty much what “The Wolf of Wall Street” would be on Casual Friday’s. The drugs, sex and language are all still present, just at a much more toned down level.

Cameron Diaz and Jason Segal star as a married couple who haven’t had as much personal time as they would like due to their two kids. So one day, in an effort to spice things up, Diaz suggests the duo makes a…sex tape! [cue applause for most inventive movie title ever] However when the tape is uploaded to the internet, they set out to destroy every copy. Jake Kasdan, who directed Diaz and Segal in “Bad Teacher”, directs here.

I went into this film hoping for the best but expecting the worst. While Jason Segal is always a likable presence, the last time he, Diaz and Kasdan teamed up was “Bad Teacher”, which was should have been entitled “Bad Movie” (ok, that one was a lob down the middle of the plate). But, to my surprise, I walked out of “Sex Tape” with a smile on my face.

Segal and Diaz have very solid chemistry together and that is obviously crucial in a comedy. They have some good back-and-forth, including several fantastic one-liners from Segal. Every supporting character lends a hand and has great give-and-take, too.

Rob Corddry and Ellie Kemper play another married couple and they have one of the best jokes in the whole film. The real show stealer, however, is Rob Lowe, who plays Diaz’s boss. In a role that breaks his normal mold, Lowe seems to be having a ball, and it’s a shame he only received 15 minutes of screen time.

What holds “Sex Tape” back, and what some people may not be able to overlook, is the script. While there are moments of true inspired comedy gems, there are also some forced jokes, and other juvenile ones that feel like they belong in an Adam Sander film. The tone sometimes shifts rapidly, too. This is probably due to there being three screenwriters credited; Segal, his writing partner Nicholas Stoller and Kate Angelo. One can assume Segal and Stoller did rewrites on Angelo’s earlier script, which would explain the sometimes messy storyline.

The film is also pretty tame, considering its plot and title. Save for an opening montage, the movie really never fully utilizes its R rating, which makes one wonder why they chose to play it so safe?

In a lot of ways, “Sex Tape” is like last year’s “We’re the Millers”; multiple screenwriters make for an uneven and bumpy trip, but you are willing to overlook most of the flaws because you are having such an enjoyable time. Plus it features a lead actress who proves that she is still very attractive, err talented. You know, at acting.

“Sex Tape” may not be for everyone, but I found it had enough laughs to warrant a viewing, and an entertaining one at that. In a summer of poor comedies (“Tammy”) and great comedies (“22 Jump Street” and “Transformers 4”), “Sex Tape” falls somewhere in the middle. If you can turn your brain off and just watch it for its entertainment value, then Segal and Diaz deliver the goods. (Upon rereading that last line, it sounded much dirtier than I intended and I apologize…)

Critics Rating: 6/10

‘Draft Day’ an Engaging and Fun NFL Ad

Draft_Day_poster            As if there isn’t proof enough that the NFL doesn’t have an offseason, here comes just another piece of evidence to support the claim: I give you “Draft Day”, the new film starring Kevin Costner.

Directed by Ivan Reitman, the film follows Cleveland Browns general manger Sonny Weaver Jr. (Costner), who trades three of his team’s future first round draft picks for the number one overall pick. This move is met with scrutiny and anger from much of the organization, especially the head coach, played by Denis Leary. Jennifer Garner costars and multiple real-like NFL personalities, like Commissioner Roger Goodell and Deion Sanders, make cameos.

It is easy to write this film off as one big ad for the NFL, because the commercials and trailer certainly portray it as one when they insert real-life players, despite no real players appearing or even being mentioned in the film (aside from Texans running back Arian Foster, who is actually in an acting role as a draft prospect).

But when you look past the over glamourized portrayal of the NFL, “Draft Day” is a very entertaining, at times intense, film, with shades of “Moneyball”.

Kevin Costner does a solid job as the film’s protagonist. He portrays a man who has a lot on his plate, having traded away his team’s future for a single pick (or “a cow for magic beans”, as they say in the film). On top of that, his general manager is threatening to fire him if the draft is a bust, his girlfriend tells him she is pregnant and his father passed away the week before. A lot to take in on the most important day of the year.

The real strength of the film lies in the NFL-based statistics and draft analysis. This film can be enjoyed by most everybody but the audience that will enjoy it the most is the people who like the behind-the-scenes of football; looking at potential picks and what are the skeletons hiding in their closet. In the film, everyone thinks a QB out of Wisconsin is the unanimous number one overall pick; however Sonny isn’t sold about his personality.

There are quite a few twists in “Draft Day”, some more plausible than others, but they all make for a fun time at the movies. You try and think about what Sonny is cooking up, and how he is going to save not only the Browns, but his job. It is interesting and almost insane to see what NFL GM’s go through on draft day (gasp, that’s the film’s title!) and how many last minute behind-the-scenes moves go on.

The film really doesn’t have too many flaws, as far as an entertainment standpoint goes. There is a 15 minute lag near the beginning of the film, right after Sonny makes the deal for the number one pick, but after that ends it is pretty much non-stop energy until the end of the film. Also, like I said, people who aren’t invested in the goings of the NFL may not be as entertained as people who live and breathe football (like me).

But it is worth mentioning that I saw this film with my lovely mother, who admits she knows little about the NFL besides teams and star players, and she really liked and was engaged by the film. So take that for what its worth…

I really don’t know what else to say about “Draft Day” other than I really liked it. It is a fun, engaging ride, and it was fun to try and think one step ahead of the characters and predict what Sonny possibly could be thinking. If you are a football fan, you will really enjoy this film. If you like business and statistics then you should have a good time, too. If you like bland pieces with forced love triangles, then go watch Twilight or something, because “Draft Day” is probably too interesting for you.

Critics Rating: 8/10

‘Transcendence’ Nothing Special or New

Transcendence2014Poster            You know those movies that leave the audience with burning questions about real life issues? Yeah, “Transcendence” isn’t one of those movies.

Directed by cinematographer Wally Pfister in his directorial debut, the film stars Johnny Depp as an artificial intelligence researcher who is mortally wounded by a radical anti-technology group. Before he dies, however, his wife Evelyn (Rebecca Hall) uploads his consciousness to a computer. As the radical group approaches to finish what they started, Evelyn must decide if the intelligence claiming to be her deceased husband is who it says it is. Sound confusing? Yeah, you’re telling me.

This film features a rookie director, a rookie screenwriter and an ensemble cast. All three were red flags before the title card in “Transcendence” even showed up on the screen. Pfister is a fantastic cinematographer (he won an Oscar for “Inception”) but maybe he should not quit his day job anytime soon. His first time in the director’s chair, Pfister heads a film with pacing issues and a narrative that ranges from awkward to just plain non-existent. Oh, and the movie really doesn’t know what it wants to be or what messages it wants to send, either.

In the film’s opening act there is a decently thought provoking line about whether man creating artificial intelligence and “playing God” is any different than mankind “making up gods” throughout history. Then they drop that possible storyline for the whole “anti-technology” group. Then yet again the film decides that angle isn’t interesting enough so it goes into whether A.I. is capable of comparing to humans. If you haven’t figured it out yet, allow me to clarify: the film is a mess.

There are some redeeming qualities to the film. Obviously with Pfister being an award winning cinematographer, the movie is shot beautifully; even if half of the cool shots are completely irrelevant to the scene. For example the very first shot of the film shows rain on a window and car headlights blurred in the background. The movie then cuts to a completely unrelated scene and starts the actual story. Was the shot cool to look at? Sure. Was it confusing and irrelevant? You betcha.

The movie does make a couple interesting points about where we’re going and how we may be letting technology get the best of us, but these aren’t things that you haven’t read about or pondered before; go to any website and they’ll tell you to put down your phone and go play outside. You don’t need to pay $10 to have the voice of Johnny Depp tell you.

For what it was striving to accomplish, “Transcendence” fails. It went for broke and came up short, but not horrifically. There are a few interesting parts and for about five seconds you actually wonder if Johnny Depp’s A.I. is good or evil, but in the long run this is a very forgettable film. I guess you could say that “Transcendence” transcends the definition of an average film [I’ll pause so you can laugh].

Critics Rating: 5/10