If you’ve been reading these and wondering what roller derby looks like in action, this Saturday is your lucky derby day.  It’s a day the league has been buzzing about for about a week, it’s GAME DAY!

The whole thing has a Super Mario Brothers theme (I told you we love themes) and it happens at Galaxy Roller Rink in Groton.  We’ll be playing Worcester Roller Derby’s Warheads and then the Long Island Roller Rebel’s Rock-A-Betty Bruisers.  I anticipate a ridiculously fun time being had by all.  The door opens at 5 and the first bout starts at 6.  The icing on the cake (or the glitter on the cupcake?) is that there will be an after party at Frank’s Place in New London with a 100% chance of there being a drag show, which is a great way to cap off a bout day.

When I say “bout day”, please understand that we don’t all just show up for our bout, play and go home.  If you are in the league that’s hosting a bout, there’s more to it than skating because bouts need to be planned, promoted, set-up, staffed, officiated and skated.  This makes bout days a combination of what you’ve been working toward and the release of all the stress and anxieties you’ve built up along the way.  I tend to get a little anxious and perhaps a touch ragey on bout day.  You can ask the air purifier that I broke.  It was in my way so I gave it some percussive maintenance, and it fell apart. 

Once the game starts (and I’m using the words “bout” and “game” interchangeably here), it’s easy to settle down and focus on what’s going on, mostly because that’s all you can do.  During a bout it doesn’t matter if you grabbed the wrong socks, put a lame song on the playlist or if your cupcakes aren’t selling…It’s go time.  And go time goes by quickly.  One second you’re getting introduced, next you’re starting a jam, you blink and it’s halftime, then suddenly it’s the end of the bout and that’s it.

Perhaps that’s why we inflate bouts to a whole day long holiday. There’s a lot of sweat, skating and strategy that goes into the main event so we want to get all the fun out of it.  A bout feels like being in a play where you sort of vaguely know your lines and you think you’ll do well, but you might get hurt at any second.  It’s a thrill and a rush and then it’s done and you wish you could do it all over again and that’s probably why we all keep coming back for more.

So in our last installment, I talked about how the 27 in 5 can be slightly soul crushing, but that isn’t usually the case.  Since it’s an easy way to mark progress, and get your adrenaline going, it’s like everyone out there has their own inspirational movie going on for that 5 minutes. 

Before we start we always pair up so everyone has a counter (and to keep it from being too crowded).  being a counter is fun because you can watch the 5 minutes unfold.  You see freshies trying their hardest to work on their crossovers and get a rhythm down, newly-scrimmageable players with a look of determination in their eyes, set on checking this off and teamed skaters working on their personal best and deciding just how aggressive they want to be. 

Mostly I just want to get my 27 done and perhaps a few extra but I remember before I passed it, I would dread that 5 minutes for the whole day.  Basically you’re 5 minutes away from feeling like a rock star or feeling disappointed in yourself.  Sure there’s inbetween, but who remembers the times they did something “fair to middling”? Just mentally shut off the world and take 5 minutes to be there, by yourself, racing against the clock. 

Once there’s a minute left, the counters start piping up with, “Come on ladies, you can do it!”  because everyone wants eachother to get their laps in, or at least improve on their last number.  Heck one time we all chased some ladies through their 27 in 5.  Perhaps this was an unorthodox approach, but they did it and even one extra.  I guess you never know what you can do until there’s 12 people chasing you while yelling encouraging things.

So while the 27 in 5 can range from fun fitness test to grueling soul suck, I don’t want you to think that it’s all bad.   Sure your legs might hurt and your back won’t be happy with you but you have to keep going, if only for your own pride.  As long as you try, you’ll feel proud (and tired and sweaty) afterwards, and how can that be bad?

One of the most nerve wracking things a skater has to do semi-regularly is the 27 in 5.  What that means is that you skate around the track 27 times in 5 minutes.  If what I found online is trustworthy, a mile equals 27.4 laps around a derby track, so basically we’re sprinting a mile. Perhaps that makes it sound more daunting than it is since we have wheels on our feet and inertia to work with.  Honestly I’ve passed it many times and now I’m just working on my personal record but since it doesn’t take much to make me nervous, I still start out the 5 minutes with a bit of nervous dread. 

Not only is the 27 in 5 something you have to do to be able to bout, but it’s a good way to bust out some cardio with a lot of people, so we probably do it once a week.  I know there are skaters and referees who bust out 30 with no problem, but that’s not me yet.  As skittish as the drill makes me, it’s nice to have a marker of your progress, no matter what number you’re at.

While I can’t skate and take notes at the same time, I do have a mental routine by now.  It probably isn’t the greatest.  I’m not sure what you’re supposed to be doing with your brain while you skate laps but this is what mine is thinking while I’m reminding myself to do crossovers in the right place and trying not to get into anyone elses say (safety first!).  It’s an emotional roller coaster packed into 5 minutes.  Here’s a little window of what goes on brain during all of this.   

One of the coaches yells, “Start on the whistle (Whistle blast)”

Laps 1-7:  Doing crossovers like the wind!  Sprinting feels great!  Am crushing it.

Laps 8-10:  I bet I’m ahead, I wish we had a big digital clock to see how great I’m doing right now.

Laps 11-14:  I should probably be passing more people, why am I not passing people?  Am I slow?  What time is it?  How much time do I have left?  I should probably give up now.  Everyone else looks like they’re on the cover of a Wheaties box and here I am, galumphing along…

Laps 15-17:  I feel so slow, am I moving in slow motion?  I am probably literally the slowest thing on two skates right now.  Why am I so mean to myself?  This can’t be helping…  Come on brain, be positive, we’re almost done here.  Don’t quit, keep trying, maybe it will go back to being easy.  Should I be lower?  I should probably be lower.

Someone yells “Two minutes left!”

Laps 18-23:  Sweet! I can finish this in time, maybe get a few extra.  Push through the crossovers, keep going, almost done.

Laps 24-26:  I can do this, I can do this, almost done..

Someone yells “Thirty seconds ladies!  Push it out!”  So close to being done with this.  Yuck I’m so sweaty…That beer in my fridge is going to taste so great when I get home.  What kind is it again?

Lap 27:  Why am I thinking about beer?  Keep pushing, keep pushing……..Holy crap, time isn’t up yet, sneak one more in, finish strong.

Lap 28?:  I guess I should keep going, it’s almost over anyway…

“That’s it!  Five Minutes”

Whew!  Yeah, I am awesome.  Now where did I put my water?  I’d like to fall over now.

Now that I got this little bit down, I’ve realized there’s a little more to say about the 27/5 so stay tuned for 27/5 II:  The Revenge of the 27 in 5.

I don’t know if anyone noticed my absence last week but yes I’m still here.  Last week my word writing brain wasn’t functioning at a very high capacity (and you could say that about today too evidently) but hey, on the off-chance that anyone follows this, I’m still here, trying to think deep thoughts about skates and whatnot.

But today, instead of deep thoughts, I have one quick thing to mention (what follows is a completely unsolicited endorsement).   I’ve written about cross training in here a few times so I figured it was time to get more serious and accountable about it so I’ve been looking around for a cross training workout.  I haven’t tried too many yet because the Crankle keeps getting in the way but I did find something that will kick your butt in a quick sweaty 45 minutes.

I conned Shocka Swan into trying Kickfit with me at Black Dragon Martial Arts Academy in Norwich and after signing a waiver; we both punched, kicked, squatted, yelled and sweated our way through the workout.  Everyone was really supportive and didn’t make us newbies stand in the front of the class (one thing I hate in workout classes) and we both left knowing that we’d feel it the next day.

Right after the workout I felt pretty endorphined up and awesome, so I made the mistake of not stretching enough or seriously hydrating.  I definitely regretted that the next day, so my only words of advice should you try this workout are 1) wear shoes made for jumping and 2) stretch and hydrate a lot before/after.  So if you’re looking for a quick off-skates butt kicking, that’s where you’ll find it.