A wonderful thing about playing a sport is that it changes how you feel about your body.  Instead of, “I want to look good in jeans” your thoughts turn to “I want to be faster”.  It’s not a magic wand but it makes you focus more on strength and speed instead rather than weight and size.  Your workouts are now crosstraining and they have a purpose and results that you can see when you play.  You have a reason to sweat because now your hard work translates into points scored or jammers blocked. 

Now that I focus on what I can push myself to do, I’m much nicer to myself.  I’ve always felt self-conscious about my wide shoulders, (which is extra ridiculous because who even notices another person’s shoulders in the first place) but they serve me well in roller derby and they didn’t hurt when I played softball either.  I never thought of my legs as great looking before but now they’re two of my favorite body parts.  I’ve earned all this muscle tone so watch out World, here come my calves. 

Roller derby also changes the way you think about another body part.  We love our butts.  We want them to be big so we have more to hit someone with.  We want them to have muscle too, and when they do, we slap shiny spandex on them to make them look even bigger.  The same goes for thighs because we spend a lot of time doing squats, lunges and plyometric jumpy maneuvers.  Shiny pants?  Don’t mind if I do.

Some sports have specific body types that excel; roller derby is not one of those sports.  As far as what leagues are looking for in new skaters, persistence and dedication are way more important than your size.  The human body is a frustratingly complex beautiful machine; don’t waste time feeling bad about yours.   Sure no body’s perfect, but every body’s amazing.

Yesterday’s doubleheader has come and gone and today my body feels pretty okay but my brain is nearly mush.  If you’re wondering, we split the win and each league won one bout.  The Wailers beat us Salty Broads and then the BellaDonnas won their bout against the Beat City Bedrockers.  I had fun, and hopefully everyone else did too.  So now that the update is out of the way, back to the topic at hand of mush brain.

Usually the day after a bout I’m more distracted by something aching or wondering how I got a bruise but today is different because I attempted to do something productive and then bout brain set in.  As I’m standing in the garden section of Home Depot, suddenly all the choices seem a lot more complicated than they should and I’m thinking that I should have just stayed on the couch with no choices to make besides which Golden Girl I want to be when I grow up.

Also to be clear, this isn’t a blog about me slowly realizing I have a concussion.  My actual brain is perfectly fine, it’s just lost the will to deal with details.  Actually my progress with this post is a good example because I started it and made it though the first couple paragraphs but it’s pretty unfocused and-hey something shiny!

The day after a bout is usually a pretty lazy one too.  You go to be the night before thinking you’re awesome and hydrated and going to wake up on top of the World but don’t be deceived by all that adrenaline!  By the time you wake up, a bunch of hits and falls you’ve forgotten might have come back to haunt you.  It’s nothing that water, ibuprofen and some stretching can’t help though.

Now that I’ve exceeded my productivity quotient for a day after a bout, I should probably take my own advice and retire to the couch with some water.  I’m sure there’s something really important on my DVR that I should be sort of paying attention to, this TV isn’t going to watch itself after all…

Since I’ve thrown a few out there in this blog, it’s time to talk about derby names.  Derby names are sometimes controversial believe it or not.  Some people think they make us look silly and others think that getting rid of them would lose a little bit of what makes roller derby unique.  Personally I can see how both sides have a point but I feel less and less passionate about it as time goes on.  Use a crazy name or don’t, it’s up to you.

My derby name is Betty Schnockered because I like to bake cookies while partaking in adult beverages.  Also my grandma’s name is Betty and the last time I checked I’m the only derby person with the word “Schnockered” in their name so I like that part of it.  Since my injury, some people still call me Crankle and that would be a suitable derby name as well but I think I’ll stay Schnockered for at least a little bit longer.

So who gets a derby name?  Different leagues have different hoops to jump through but skaters, referees, NSO’s, announcers and anyone else that proves their derby dedication can name themselves.   Spouses and kids end up getting derby names too if they help out once in a while.  I’m sure some leagues are more formal about it, but we just have a waiting period (that I can’t remember right now) basically around the time people start getting to be scrimmageable people start asking them, “What’s your derby name going to be?”

You can use a derby name as a jumping off point to create a character or a separate on track identity if it helps you get into game mode.  You can take your name as seriously as you want, just don’t pick a name that someone else already has.  There is a name registry to avoid name collisions, but it’s really a courtesy to check it and make sure your name isn’t too similar to anyone else.  It’s not like you’ll be hunted down by the International Court of Derby Names (mostly because I just made it up), but you don’t want to look like a jerk if you’re playing someone who has been around longer than you and has a name similar to  yours.

I did a highly unscientific poll of my derby friends and asked what their favorite derby names are and here’s a few that came up (along with a few favorites of my own); JK Elemenopee, Explosive Daria, Biscuits & Crazy, My Baby Daddy, Your Mom, Apolo Anton That’s a No-No, Grrr Rawr Rawr, Mean Burrito, Kristi Slamahoochi, Heavy Flo, Robot Unicorn Attack, Anna Nicole Smithereens, Honey Puncher of Throats, Trophy Knife, Jamaladingdong and Scarriet Tubman.  That’s just a smattering of names but it’s a good (admittedly PG) sample of names that are floating around out there. 

If you want to be introduced to a bunch of new derby names, come to a doubleheader on Saturday the 19^th.  We’re hosting Hartford Area Roller Derby at Galaxy Roller Rink in Groton.  The doors open at 5, the first bout starts at 6 and tickets are 12 bucks at the door.  Come check out some more roller derby names and think about what you’d name yourself, I promise you’ll have a great time.

Yesterday was my first bout since I got a plate and 3 screws put in my ankle and everything still seems to be attached.  I traveled with the BellaDonnas to Vermont to play the Upper Valley Vixens.  It was about 3 and a halfish hours and besides all the car time, we’re pretty used to hanging out in cars with eachother by now so it went pretty quickly.

As far as the bout went, we didn’t win but the Vixens were lovely hosts with great fans.  It’s clear that Woodstock Vermont loves their Vixens, they even have a fox mascot (named Foxy) that runs around and dances during the game.  Maybe Shoreline needs a mascot, anyone interested?

Even though it was a loss, I’m still glad to have my first bout back under my belt.  Sure I found a few new and interesting ways to find myself on the floor but my ankle it still intact.  My next bout is our home opener on Saturday, so if you’ve been reading about roller derby for a while and want to finally see it, come check us out at Galaxy on the 19th.  The first game starts at 6, so get there a little early to set up your chair, get your beverage of choice and look at the merchandise table.  We’re playing a doubleheader against Hartford Area Roller Derby’s two travel teams so it should be two fast, fun bouts.

If you haven’t been to a roller derby game, you probably don’t know we have announcers.  Announcers are mainly there to help the crowd understand what just happened and why it’s important. Sometimes they sneak in sponsor announcements and color commentary, but they aren’t there for us, they’re there for the crowd. 

One of Shoreline’s announcers is Reverend Loaf (yes he’s an actual Reverend), who chose his name because with the right wig he looks a lot like Meat Loaf (the Bat Out of Hell Meat Loaf, not the delicious comfort food).  If you come to our season opener on April 19^th, Reverend Loaf and FunSize Fury will be your guides to the game. 

Since I’m pretty sure I told the Norwich Bulletin that I would profile derby personalities in this blog, I figured Reverend Loaf would be a good place to start.  I sent him some questions and he sent me some answers.  The italics are explanations I’ve added.

Q: What was it like announcing your first bout?

A; It was scary and exciting. I remember being really nervous at first and not knowing what to really expect. And thinking “Wow do I really sound like that?”

Reverend Loaf started out co-announcing with our first announcer, Orson Hells.  The league was looking for an announcer for Orson to bounce off of and I called Loaf while he was at a restaurant and asked him to announce in my usual rambling fashion.

Q: Are there any derby names that you just really love to say?

A: Your Mom has to be in the top of all-time favorites. I like it when names are clever…Case N Point and Your Wurst Enemy are also fun.

Q:  What’s the biggest challenge of being an announcer?

A:  For me, it’s not giving away strategy.

Announcers are supposed to be neutral and not say anything that could give an advantage. They can explain what happened to the crowd while and after it’s happening, but they can’t coach from the microphone.  For example they can say “Jammer X made it through on the inside” after the jammer gets though, but they can’t say, “Jammer X is entering the pack on the inside” before it happens.  I know it sounds like splitting hairs but it makes a difference. 

Q: Do you have a most embarrassing announcing moment?

A: I once went an entire game mispronouncing a skaters’ name.

Q:  What has been your favorite event to announce so far and why?

A:  All Eight on the Floor (a 2 day tournament run by Worcester Roller Derby) has to be one of my favorites. It was challenging because it pushed me past my comfort zone, but it was absolutely amazing working with some of the best announcers, skaters, leagues and officials in this area.

If you’re ready to see some roller derby, our season opener is on April 19^th at Galaxy Roller Rink in Groton.  The door opens at 5PM and the first game starts at 6.  Tickets are $12 at the door for a doubleheader of roller derby action, don’t forget to bring a chair!

If there’s one thing roller derby people love, it’s semi-obnoxious clothing. When I say “love” I mean “love and try to one-up with” and when I say “obnoxious” I mean “shiny, patterned and possibly sequined”.  Of course this love can manifest itself in socks, helmet covers or jerseys but usually it means we’re wearing obnoxious pants, booty shorts, leggings, capris or something in between.

This means that we’re always looking for more and more ridiculous legwear.  You might think I’m joking, but when one of us find a sales rack filled with crazy clothing, we text each other or post about it on facebook.  If roller derby practice is anything, it’s a chance to dress ridiculously in a judgment-free zone, so you might as well take advantage if the spirit moves you.

Recently I was stopped dead in my tracks by leggings with food all over them.  I’m not really a leggings person but after texting Shocka Swan and Twin Gats with an “All Pants Bulletin” I bought a pair with donuts all over it for myself.  It was hard to choose what to get, I mean the pattern options ranged from burgers to sprinkles but I’m pretty sure I made the right choice.

While I was broken and rocking crutches I had a pair of shiny zebra print capris that came in handy.  I called them my “obnoxious bout watching pants” but really I wore them a lot because they were easy to put on over my gigantic splint.  There wasn’t much of a point in trying to hide it anyway so I figured I’d just go full-on ridiculous and shiny.

When it comes to bouts I usually wear something a little more boring and functional but every once in a while when I’m getting ready for practice I’ll feel the need for something shiny (or it’s all I can find because the rest of my derby pants are in a clump with the other black clothing that I’ve amassed), you never know when the mood will strike.  Once we get through the more serious games of the season and hit the expo bouts and home team matchups, people get a little more crazy with their outfits.  Sometimes this means costumes, sometimes it means wigs or tutus, really whatever you want (like I’ve said before, we’re no stranger to themes).

It’s like the part in Too Wong Foo where Patrick Swayze’s character proclaims, “I feel like today is a say something hat day!” You don’t know why, but suddenly you’re struck by the need to wear something shiny so instead of fighting the urge you just throw something on.  As far as tonight’s practice I’m not feeling particularly shiny but I’ve got a pair of rainbow obnoxiousness on standby if the mood strikes.

On Saturday night we had Shoreline Roller Derby’s 3^rd anniversary party at Frank’s Place in New London.  Because we love a theme and a reason to make dressing yourself extra complicated, it was 70’s themed.  There were also a few lip-sync performances; Victoria Adams and Dixie Cyanide were gracious enough to entertain us and we all loved it, they each did 3 songs and it was fabulous.

The songs ranged from Mama Mia to It’s Raining Men and when I heard the opening guitar strums of “Brand New Key” I had a bit of a flashback to one of our first fundraisers.  It was a little over 3 years ago at Christopher’s Café in Groton and basically we took over karaoke night.  We all barely knew each other but that night we tried to figure out how to dress “derby” and get to know each other.  I’m not sure who requested it, but we all attempted to karaoke “Brand New Key” and it was a mess until the freestyle “la la la la la” part, somehow we had that under control. 

The next day Shoreline had some money in the bank and there were lots of Friend Requests going around.  We didn’t even have a league name then, we had just all met eachother and decided that we were going to start a roller derby league.  Now that I know everything that goes into it, I think it was a bit crazy, but I guess it was crazy enough to work. 

So here I am, 3 years later with the same song in the background, only now I know all the words and I’m thinking about the last three years and I’m pretty proud of us for keeping this operation going. Providence Roller Derby just hit 10 years, so in the scope of “derby time”, 3 years isn’t that long.  But it’s still a pretty good start for any small business, especially one that runs on volunteers and a lot of us muddling through until we figure it out. 

So what does 3 years look like?  That’s what I’ve been trying to figure out and it’s hard to quantify in writing really…Also I’m depending a lot on memory here so I don’t really have an accurate count of everything.  Derby babies have been born, businesses have been started, lots of promotions and degrees have been attained while we’ve all been working together and honestly I kind of don’t want to calculate how many people we’ve introduced to roller derby only to have them move away because of their family, the military or their careers.  Perhaps it can be measured in injuries, tattoos or resume bullet points, but thinking about gathering that data gives me a headache.

If I look for cold hard numbers and estimate a little, I come up with this.

Practices:  315 (estimated)

Travel Team Bouts SLRD has been in (Home & Away):  36

Wins:  17  Losses:  18

Home Team Bouts: 8    Expo Bouts: 2

Would I like the “Wins” number to be higher?  Sure, but being involved in 46 bouts in 3 years is still an accomplishment for a league where hardly anyone knew how to play 3 years ago.  No one has been in every bout (they would have to be on both travel teams, play for all the home teams and never go on vacation or get injured for that to happen).

I know I didn’t know what I was getting myself into 3 years ago and since then roller derby and the people I’ve met through it continue to surprise me.  Where will Shoreline be in 3 more years?  Hard to say, but it’s for us to decide and that’s part of the adventure.