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Worst Movies of Summer 2014

This summer was one of the worst in recent box office history, and many of the products released make that stat not all too surprising. Here are my worst five films from Summer 2014.

Teenage_Mutant_Ninja_Turtles_film_July_2014_poster5) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Produced by Michael Bay, this was stupid, unfunny and boring. A film about giant talking fighting reptiles should be an incredibly entertaining and fun film. But Bay had other things in mind. You know your film is in trouble when Megan Fox is the star of your film, and she’s one of the best parts.

 

 

Transformers_Age_of_Extinction_Poster_jpeg4) Transformers: Age of Extinction

Michael Bay strikes again. The worst of the Transformers series, this film was an assault on the eyes, ears, brain and the human urge to be entertained. It also starred Marky Mark as Cade Yeager, the only Texan with a Boston accent.

 

 

Blended_(2014)_Poster3) Blended

[Sighhhhh]….I hate you, Adam Sandler.

 

 

 

Tammy_poster2) Tammy

A lazy and unfunny film, this movie got one chuckle out of me, and I instantly felt guilty about it. It should have been much funnier, especially considering the talent involved. I’m not the biggest Melissa McCarthy fan, but even I wanted this to at least be passable.

 

 

[50 feet of crap]

 

Lucy_(2014_film)_poster1) Lucy

The trailer for this made the movie look like it was going to be awful; the finished product was even worse. A rip-off of Limitless, it made this year’s Transcendence look like a mind-bending thriller that had its act together. I didn’t hate the film until the climax, in which the film just loses any sense of intelligence or fun that it was barely holding onto. Seriously, the ending of this movie makes no sense, and not in an Inception kind of way. In a “we don’t know how to end this movie so are just going to do it” kind of way. [SPOILER, but you shouldn’t care] You pay to watch Scarlett Johansson turn into a flashdrive.

‘Transformers’ is Less Than Meets The Eye

Transformers_Age_of_Extinction_Poster_jpeg

               I have a new expression I hope catches on: fool me once, shame on me. Fool me four times, you’re Michael Bay.

“Transformers: Age of Extinction” is the fourth film in Michael Bay’s Transformers series. It  features an all-new human cast, including Mark Wahlberg as Cade Yeager, the only Texan with a Boston accent. This time around the Autobots are being hunted by the US government to avenge the events from the last film.

I don’t really know where to begin to review “Extinction”, so I’ll start with the script. It’s awful. Like on every conceivable level. From the dialogue to the plot, everything is atrocious. There’s a part in the film when Wahlberg’s daughter turns to her boyfriend and says “still glad that we met?”. She says that 100% out of the blue; he didn’t say anything to make that a coherent sentence. The screenwriter just thought he should have the girl say something cute to show that the couple cares about each other.

Still want proof the dialogue is awful? Ok, I have plenty of ammo. When the CIA storms into Wahlberg’s front yard and begins to search the grounds, he tells the guy that he needs a warrant. The agent turns to Marky Mark and says “my face is my warrant”. [sigh]

On my way out the theater I heard a 5-year-old boy tell his mom that the movie was poorly written and didn’t make sense. A child recognized that.

But you don’t pay to see a Michael Bay film for an elaborate script, you pay for the action. And how is it in “Extinction”? Its fine…for the first ten minutes. But after near THREE HOURS of boom, boom, boom, boom boom boom, boom. Boom. Boom. Boom, you get bored. Think the climax of “Man of Steel”, just metal on metal and with less character development (if that’s possible).

Its like this: imagine a nine year old boy is smashing pots and pans in front of his action figures. No give that boy a few million dollars. That’s Bay’s “Age of Extinction”.

And the run time, oh my God the run time. The film has a runtime to match its budget (160 for both), and you feel every minute of it. There was a point in the film I was sitting in the chair thinking “well, the climax of this film is boring”. Oh no, that wasn’t the climax, it was somewhere in the middle of the movie. The best part of this movie is at the beginning, before the Transformers even show up.

I really don’t know what more to say about this movie. It has impressive visuals but eye candy can only get you so far. “Transformers: Age of Extinction” is an assault on the eyes, ears, common sense, common decency and the desire to be entertained. It is also has awful dialogue, disgraceful depictions of women, over-the-top explosions and unfunny racial jokes. In other words, it’s a Michael Bay film.

Look, if you are one of those people who can turn your brain off 100% and the idea of robots throwing each other in nonsensical action scenes intersts you, then you may be able to tolerate this movie. But all others I implore you: don’t give Michael Bay three hours of your life, nonetheless 10 of your dollars.

Critics Rating: 4/10