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‘Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’ an Empty Shell

Teenage_Mutant_Ninja_Turtles_film_July_2014_poster            If I told you a film starred Megan Fox, was produced by Michael Bay and was directed by the guy behind “Battle Los Angeles”, you would probably not be interested. But wait! What if I also tell you that the very same movie was produced by Nickelodeon Studios? Interested now? If you’re over the age of eight, the answer is hopefully no, and the very film I just described to you is “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles”.

“Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” is based off the classic characters and follows them as they take on their first big challenge: The Shredder. That’s pretty much the extent of the plot of the film; giant talking turtles fighting a giant metal robot. Should be fun, right? (It’s not, though). Megan Fox, Will Arnett and William Fichtner star in non-reptile roles as Jonathan Liebesman directs.

I don’t think there’s a single person who thought this film was going to be good. First it took forever to get into production, and then Michael Bay annoyed everyone by saying the Turtles weren’t mutant but were actually aliens. And then there’s the fact that every film the director has made has a 5.8 on IMDb. Seems like there were a lot of red flags, and that was before the film’s awful trailer even debuted. If you’re waiting for a “however”, then don’t hold your breath; this film is every bit as not good as expected.

First things first the script is beyond bland. Every character in this film is a typecast, just a stereotypical personality that are found in most summer films. There’s the hot coworker who keeps asking the main character out, the boss who doesn’t believe the main character’s crazy story, and the reporter who wants bigger and better stories. People’s characterization is literally learned by lines by other characters (“you’re the most persistent person I’ve ever met, you know that?”)

There are aspects to “TMNT” that are head-scratchingly lazy. The film begins on the first day of spring, yet two scenes later the main character is at a snow-coated resort after a 20 minute drive from New York City. Why couldn’t the film take place in winter and erase this problem? I’m not sure, but what I am sure of is that I just put more time into thinking about this script than the writers did.

Oh, and the villain’s plot in this film is literally that of The Lizard’s in “The Amazing Spider-Man”, right down to infecting New York City with a chemical weapon by using a large antenna on top of a company’s skyscraper. Like I said. Lazy.

The action scenes, for the most part, are well-shot so I will give the film props where due. It is some fun seeing giant turtles throw human beings like they’re ragdolls into moving subway cars and trees, and the film does a good job at putting this on screen. However none of the action is engaging; it all feels contrived.

The Turtles really aren’t even the stars of the film, at least not for the first half. That honor falls into Megan Fox’s lap, and she does what she does best: gives a performance just passable enough to make us not hate her. When the Turtles do start to get screen time, it’s just potty humor and fan service references, neither of which work for a 20-year-old guy like me with limited Ninja Turtle knowledge.

“Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” isn’t an awful movie, and it is not the pop-culture mockery many feared, but it is by no means good and is just barely watchable. A lot of the time the film is boring, and when it’s not boring it will still be so not fun that it will make you ask yourself: “what the actual shell am I watching?”

Critics Rating: 4/10

‘Guardians of the Galaxy’ Zany, Brilliant Fun

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GOTG-posterImagine “The Avengers” and “Star Wars” had a child and it listened to nothing but music from the 1970’s and 80’s. That’s pretty much what “Guardians of the Galaxy” is, and it’s about as awesome as you imagined when you read that description.

Directed and written by James Gunn, “Guardians of the Galaxy” is yet another film set in the Marvel Universe. It stars Chris Pratt, Zoe Saldana, Dave Bautista, Vin Diesel and Bradley Cooper as the Guardians, a group of rag-tag intergalactic criminals who set out to save the world from a radical tyrant.

The first time I saw the trailer for “Guardians”, I thought it was a joke; like a parody skit from a late night show. It was so sarcastic and over-the-top and self-referential that it couldn’t be an actual film. But it was, and the final product is as entertaining as that first trailer implied it to be.

Everything about “Guardians of the Galaxy” has been done before, yet the film manages to be fresh and new all at the same time. The heroes in the film, despite ranging from a walking tree to a talking raccoon, are more relatable than the average superhero. They curse, get drunk, and debate not saving people because it would endanger their own life. You know, people stuff.

Gunn, who directed “Super”, a film where a regular guy becomes a vigilante hero, has written a script that doesn’t forget about its hero’s humanity, as well as their humor, and it is what makes “Guardians” such a fun ride. Honestly, this is one of the funniest films of the year. All the Marvel movies have their share of wit and humor, especially “Iron Man”, but “Guardians” is different. It’s just plain zany. Characters will say things that on paper shouldn’t work, or may seem awkward in a superhero film, but on screen it turns to gold (“I have a plan! I have…I don’t know, 12% of a plan!”).

The only true flaw in “Guardians of the Galaxy” is the use of filler scenes. While I was never bored, and at times was having the most fun I had had at a cinema all year, there are a few scenes that just felt unnecessary, and created some pacing issues. If the film had been an hour 45, instead of pushing it to the two hour mark, I think it would have been perfect. But hey, I’m not complaining I got an additional 15 minutes of seeing a raccoon shooting a machine gun.

The villain was also very Darth Maul-ish in that he looks cool, but in actuality has a cliché plot and is just a puppet for the main villain of the series. But that’s neither here nor there.

“Guardians of the Galaxy” is like everything you’ve seen before in superhero and science-fiction films, yet unlike anything you’ve ever seen. It’s stupid, cliché, and over-the-top all while being brilliant, original and relatable. I honestly had a blast with this film and feel no guilt saying that it is just as good, and slightly funnier, than “The Avengers”. In a month of the year that normally has studios dumping out trash, “Guardians of the Galaxy” is anything but.

Critics Rating: 8/10

Hoffman Great, ‘Most Wanted Man’ Not

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A_Most_Wanted_Man_Poster            Sometimes a performance in a film is so good that it actually takes away from the film itself, and makes you realize how average the movie surrounding the performance is. It happened with Denzel Washington in “Flight” and it happens with Philip Seymour Hoffman in “A Most Wanted Man”.

Directed by Anton Corbijn and starring Hoffman in his last non-Hunger Games role, “A Most Wanted Man” is a thriller based off a John le Carré novel. When German intelligence receives word of a possible terrorist hiding in the city of Hamburg, Günter Bachmann (Hoffman) and his team must act quickly in order to stop a possible threat, as well as bring down a terrorist funding operation. Rachel McAdams, Willem Dafoe and Robin Wright all co-star.

In my 20 years on this earth, I have found there are two kinds of espionage thrillers:  ones that are non-stop, pulse pounders, and others that are slow-burning and dry. There really is no in between. Unfortunately, “A Most Wanted Man” falls into the latter category, despite yet another immensely dedicated performance from Philip Seymour Hoffman.

Hoffman plays a German in the film, accent and all, but he is never campy. Despite having seen him in over a dozen films, and having personally graduated from the same American high school he once attended, I never doubted Hoffman as a German. He smokes, drinks and growls his way through the film, portraying a man who sticks to his guns, even when every other person around him is doubting the flimsy evidence. When Hoffman is on screen you cannot take your eyes off of him, and when he is not there you instantly notice his lack of presence.

Unfortunately, the rest of the movie is not as engaging. The film wants to have you constantly guessing whether Hoffman’s target is actually a terrorist or simply just a misunderstood refugee, yet it only really feeds one side of the argument. You never really feel conflicted or question whether or not Hoffman’s team is making a mistake. You know exactly how to feel about the suspect and that takes away from some of the suspense.

The film also takes a while to get going to where it wants to get going to. Early on it makes it out to seem like the whole film will be a manhunt for a character, but then they quickly absolve that situation and then linger for about thirty minutes before finally realizing the big fish they really want to go after has been there the whole time.

There are worse espionage thrillers out there (just look at “Paranoia”, for example), but “A Most Wanted Man” is nothing special or memorable in its own right, either. The real enjoyment from the film comes from watching Hoffman on screen for one of the last times, and with every scene that passes we are reminded that we truly lost a legend. It is just a shame that everything surrounding Hoffman is nowhere near as interesting as his character. The narrative is just too bogged down and most characters outside Hoffman’s are just too underdeveloped.

There is a part in the film where Robin Wright’s CIA agent asks Hoffman, “What is it you want to achieve here?” I wanted to ask the film the same question.

Critics Rating: 5/10