Category Archives: Rants

If a movie is awful, it is usually fun to review and tear apart. Such as these…

‘Lucy’ All Dumb, No Fun

Lucy_(2014_film)_poster            Oh, boy.

Well, here goes nothing. In “Lucy”, Scarlett Johansson stars as the title character who begins to access more and more of her brain after accidently being injected with an experimental drug. Morgan Freeman costars as Luc Besson writes and directs.

The trailer for this film made it look like the film was going to be very, very bad; awkward dialogue paired with that awful Besson “humor” where random violence is supposed to be funny (because it’s a riot and totally hashtag relatable when someone shoots a cab driver for not speaking English in Taiwan, right?). Well rest easy because “Lucy” isn’t as bad as the commercials made it out to be; it’s worse.

I don’t think I have ever seen a movie try to be so smart, and then end up being so dumb. For the whole film, “Lucy” tries to ask questions while giving the impression that it has all the answers. It then pulls the rug out from under the audience in a messy (and moronic) climax. Seriously, by the time the film was wrapping up its painfully long 88 minute run time, I didn’t know what was going on. And you know you you’ve lost a filmgoer’s interest when I was questioning why a character still had a flip phone in the year 2014 instead of pondering what had just happened during the climax.

The film’s main interest point (at least in its own pretentious mind) is “oh boy, what’s going to happen when Lucy reaches 100% access of her brain?!” Only thing is, you don’t care. The more intelligent Lucy gets, the more dumb the movie gets. By the time Lucy has accessed 30% of her brain (instead of the normal person’s 10%) she can already throw other human beings with her mind. So do I really care to wait and find out what is going to happen when she reaches 70%? Spoiler: No, I don’t.

If this was a sitcom, it would be called “I Hate Lucy” (OK that was a lob down the middle). I just didn’t like much of anything in this movie. Besson does know how to shoot an action sequence, as demonstrated by the final 15 minutes being the only enjoyable part of “The Family”, and once again his climatic action scene is the highlight of the film. It’s fun enough when the guns are going off, but the fight isn’t enough to distract you from a plot that has become unintentionally hilarious.

“Lucy” is too moronic to be a smart sci-fi and too boring to constitute as dumb fun. The film doesn’t know what it wants to be, nor what message it wants to send. Really all I got out of it is “drugs are bad, m’kay?”. Johansson is an emotionless robot for most of the film, and nothing in the film is engaging. The film maintains that human beings use 10% of their brain; this film would be lucky if the people who made it exhumed anything over two.

Critics Rating: 3/10

‘Hercules’ Much More Brawn than Brain

Hercules_(2014_film)            Because there truly are no original ideas left in Hollywood, we now have the second film in 2014 about the legendary mythical character of Hercules. The first movie, which few people remember and even fewer liked, was released in January. This second attempt features Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson in the titular role, so it should be awesome right? (That was rhetorical)

Directed by Brett Ratner, “Hercules” follows The Rock as a sword-for-hire, having completed his legendary twelve labours. When a king’s daughter approaches Hercules to save her father’s kingdom, his skills will be put to the test. Ian McShane and John Hurt costar.

Walking into a film directed by Ratner and starring Dwayne Johnson in a loincloth and sandals, one shouldn’t have very high expectations. However I still expected more than what this film ends up delivering.

The world of Greek myths and gods is an incredibly immersing one, and has created some amazing stories and movies. And this telling of Hercules takes an interesting twist on the legend, implying that perhaps Hercules really is a mortal man, and his legendary triumphs are just that: legend. But instead of taking these questions somewhere, the film breezes over all of the stories and confirms them as fact or fiction in the first 10 minutes of the film, leaving the rest of the time for you to simply wonder what could come next. No, literally wonder what could be possibly be next; most everything shown in the trailers are part of the opening montage.

Johnson does a solid job as Hercules however he is given surprisingly little to do. He is pretty one-note, just having to play the solider with bulging muscles who yells things during battle. Many of the other performances range from hammy to awkward, especially those of the princess and her son. Both shriek and scream most of their dialogue (in distracting British accents, I might add), and you actually debate rooting for the villains when the two are put in danger. Plus, a lot of the characters have that forced, unfunny Brett Ratner humor, which rivals Michael Bay for the worst in films.

There are two main battle sequences in the film, and both are shot well by Ratner, especially by PG-13 standards, so I must give him props there. There isn’t an overabundance of shaky-cam or slowmo, and there are a few fun camera shots that put you in the action. However in both instances the scenes overstay their welcome, and become redundant and derivative instead of exciting and invigorating.

The special effects are nothing special, the dialogue is at times abysmal and the story flips between rushed and underdeveloped. I went in wanting an over-the-top sword-and-sandal blockbuster and “Hercules” doesn’t delivery even that. The Rock tries his best but it was just too big a Herculean task (pats self on back) to save this drawn out, and awkwardly paced, adventure that we’ve seen many, many times before.

Critics Rating: 4/10

‘Transformers’ is Less Than Meets The Eye

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Transformers_Age_of_Extinction_Poster_jpeg

               I have a new expression I hope catches on: fool me once, shame on me. Fool me four times, you’re Michael Bay.

“Transformers: Age of Extinction” is the fourth film in Michael Bay’s Transformers series. It  features an all-new human cast, including Mark Wahlberg as Cade Yeager, the only Texan with a Boston accent. This time around the Autobots are being hunted by the US government to avenge the events from the last film.

I don’t really know where to begin to review “Extinction”, so I’ll start with the script. It’s awful. Like on every conceivable level. From the dialogue to the plot, everything is atrocious. There’s a part in the film when Wahlberg’s daughter turns to her boyfriend and says “still glad that we met?”. She says that 100% out of the blue; he didn’t say anything to make that a coherent sentence. The screenwriter just thought he should have the girl say something cute to show that the couple cares about each other.

Still want proof the dialogue is awful? Ok, I have plenty of ammo. When the CIA storms into Wahlberg’s front yard and begins to search the grounds, he tells the guy that he needs a warrant. The agent turns to Marky Mark and says “my face is my warrant”. [sigh]

On my way out the theater I heard a 5-year-old boy tell his mom that the movie was poorly written and didn’t make sense. A child recognized that.

But you don’t pay to see a Michael Bay film for an elaborate script, you pay for the action. And how is it in “Extinction”? Its fine…for the first ten minutes. But after near THREE HOURS of boom, boom, boom, boom boom boom, boom. Boom. Boom. Boom, you get bored. Think the climax of “Man of Steel”, just metal on metal and with less character development (if that’s possible).

Its like this: imagine a nine year old boy is smashing pots and pans in front of his action figures. No give that boy a few million dollars. That’s Bay’s “Age of Extinction”.

And the run time, oh my God the run time. The film has a runtime to match its budget (160 for both), and you feel every minute of it. There was a point in the film I was sitting in the chair thinking “well, the climax of this film is boring”. Oh no, that wasn’t the climax, it was somewhere in the middle of the movie. The best part of this movie is at the beginning, before the Transformers even show up.

I really don’t know what more to say about this movie. It has impressive visuals but eye candy can only get you so far. “Transformers: Age of Extinction” is an assault on the eyes, ears, common sense, common decency and the desire to be entertained. It is also has awful dialogue, disgraceful depictions of women, over-the-top explosions and unfunny racial jokes. In other words, it’s a Michael Bay film.

Look, if you are one of those people who can turn your brain off 100% and the idea of robots throwing each other in nonsensical action scenes intersts you, then you may be able to tolerate this movie. But all others I implore you: don’t give Michael Bay three hours of your life, nonetheless 10 of your dollars.

Critics Rating: 4/10

Top 10 Worst Movies of 2013

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2013 was a year with a lot of good movies. There weren’t too many bad movies.  But boy oh boy when a movie was bad, it was bad. Here are my “top” 10 worst films from the year 2013. Hopefully I feel a little better after writing this list because Lord knows I suffered watching these films.

220px-The_Purge_poster10. The Purge

A movie that has its plot revolve around a 24 hour period where all crime is legal should not be as boring as this movie was. It honestly had some painfully dumb characters, even by horror film standards. I wish I could purge this from my memory (see what I did there?).

220px-A_Good_Day_to_Die_Hard9. A Good Day to Die Hard

The name of this movie should have been “A Good Day to Die”. Period. That’s it. Somehow the makers of this film managed to ruin one of the most iconic characters in the most famous film franchises in one movie. The acting in the movie was bad. The writing was worse. And the direction was even worse.

220px-The_Family_2013,_Poster8. The Family

Robert De Niro has sleepwalked through a lot of movies in the past decade, but this was almost insulting. He clearly didn’t care, and somehow managed to make a mob movie boring. It was just an unnecessarily violent film, and not in a fun way.

220px-Percy-Jackson-Sea-poster7. Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters

An extremely bland film, especially considering it is about mythical gods and monsters. The books were good; this franchise is not.

220px-Pain_&_Gain_film_poster6. Pain & Gain

Probably my biggest disappointment of 2013. The actors are all A-list, and tried their best. The true story it is based on, bodybuilders kidnapping rich members of the gym at which they work, is crazy. But director Michael Bay isn’t funny, no matter how hard he tries. The tone of the film was all over the place, none of it landing anywhere fun.

220px-A_Haunted_House_Poster5. A Haunted House

I didn’t loathe this movie, and they made it without the intention of winning awards, but that doesn’t change the fact that this movie is bad. Lazy and outdated jokes and a horrible story arch made it hard to enjoy.

215px-Identity_Thief_Poster4. Identity Thief

A movie with Jason Bateman and Melissa McCarthy, two masters of deadpan, should be great. But this is never funny enough to be a dumb comedy or smart enough to be a sharp satire. It is no surprise the writer of this movie also wrote the third Hangover film. And speak of the devil…

220px-The_Hangover_Part_33. The Hangover: Part III

I don’t think a film has ever been so lazy in its execution, and made it so obvious the actors didn’t care about being on set. The writers tried hard to get away from the formula of the first and second film, but what it turned into was a black action comedy that was neither exciting nor funny.

220px-Grown_Ups_2_Poster2. Grown Ups 2

Adam Sandler just keeps getting worse. Every time I walk into a new Sandler film, I think to myself: “maybe this time will be different. Maybe Sandler will actually respect his audience”. Nope. Rob Schneider refused to be in this movie. Rob Schneider. Rob. Schneider. God, I hated this movie.

And Grown Ups 2 would have been number one, if not for a film that was just an insult to all of Hollywood and the human race in general. That’s right; the number one worst film from 2013, the king of crap, the film that was a slap to the face of movies in general is…

215px-Movie_43_poster1. Movie 43

They made this movie after guilt tripping and tricking dozens of actors into filming it over four years. Even if the film was funny, which it is by no conceivable measure, it still would be awful because of the choppy editing and lack of any coherent story. Words just honestly can’t describe how bad and unfunny this movie is. It insults anyone who enjoys laughter or who has talent and is trying to break into the film industry. It truly is one of the worst films of all-time. No exaggeration.

Well, I feel better. I hope that you had the fortune of never seeing any of these films, but if you did, hopefully this eased some of your pain a little bit, too. Reviewing and watching movies is one of the most enjoyable things on God’s green earth, but it doesn’t come without its share of pain. Like spending two hours watching movies such as these.

I want to thank everyone who read this and read my reviews in 2013, and here is to a great year of cinema in 2014.

Top 10 Films of 2013

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There were plenty of good films in 2013, and a few great ones. Here are my top 10 films of 2013. If you disagree with my rankings, or even hate one of the movies on here, then too bad, they’re my opinions. Welcome to the internet, my friend.

Honorable mention goes to “Gravity”, which was number 11 on my list and was one of the most visually stunning films in the history of cinema.

220px-Saving_Mr__Banks_Theatrical_Poster10. Saving Mr. Banks

The movie about how Mary Poppins got made into a movie turned out to be as entertaining as it was emotional. Tom Hanks and Emma Thompson both nail it as Walt Disney and P.L. Travers respectively, and the songs were infectious.

220px-This-is-the-End-Film-Poster9. This Is the End

A very fun time at the movies. Huge credit to Seth Rogen who not only gave a funny performance, but wrote a hilarious script and gave a solid directorial debut alongside Evan Goldberg.

worlds end8. The World’s End 

In a year filled with apocalypse films, this British comedy from Simon Pegg and Nick Frost was as entertaining as a sci-fi as it was as a comedy. Edgar Wright’s direction was quick paced and electric and it had some great social satire.

220px-Monsters_University_poster_37. Monsters University

Disney-Pixar nailed it again with this prequel, and while it may not be as memorable as the Toy Story sequels or even the first Monsters Inc., “University” had some great laughs for both kids and adults and was gorgeous to look at.

220px-Iron_Man_3_theatrical_poster6. Iron Man 3

Immensely entertaining and featuring a very witty script from Shane Black (who also did a great job directing), this third Iron Man may not have been as good as the first film but it was pretty darn close, and was by and far better than this year’s other Avengers film, Thor 2.

12_Years_a_Slave_film_poster5. 12 Years a Slave

Great performances highlight this brutal look into American history. Chiwetel Ejiofor and Michael Fassbender knock their performances out of the park and while this film is by no means entertaining, it is very good and the ending will leave not a dry eye in the house.

Dallas_Buyers_Club_poster4. Dallas Buyers Club

Matthew McConaughey and Jared Leto carry this movie to the heights it reaches as AIDS victims who open a pharmacy full of unsanctioned drugs. Both of these men transcend acting and become their characters, and the film was as fun as it was honest.

Prisoners2013Poster3. Prisoners

Unbelievably intense, this film had great performances from its star cast, including Hugh Jackman and Jake Gyllenhaal. It had several twists and turns and the ending had me on the edge of my seat and my eyes locked on the screen. I don’t think my heart has ever pounded so hard in my chest while watching a movie.

WallStreet2013poster2. The Wolf of Wall Street

Just a great film. Leonardo DiCaprio was nothing short of brilliant in his role, and the fact that this movie is based on a true story just makes it even better. Some of the best writing I have ever seen in a film. It is just an all-around crazy ride that you need to see to believe.

Captain_Phillips_Poster1. Captain Phillips

The moment the credits began to roll after this movie I knew I had just watched the top film of 2013. Tom Hanks killed it in the title role, including some of the best acting I have ever seen in the film’s climax. Meanwhile newcomer Barkhad Abdi was menacing as the pirate leader and Paul Greengrass’ direction was incredibly intense. The final ten minutes left me in shock and I couldn’t shake the movie off.

Don’t Spend Time With This ‘Family’

The_Family_2013,_Poster             Robert De Niro starring as a gangster; it’s a bold move for the studio to make. It isn’t exactly his normal realm of acting. But in “The Family” he stars as a former mob man who is placed in witness protection along with his wife (Michelle Pfeiffer) and two kids after he rats out his old mafia family members. Luc Besson wrote and directs the film while Martin Scorsese produces.

            In case you couldn’t tell, those first sentences were coated with an extreme level of sarcasm. De Niro’s best roles have been in mafia movies (“Goodfellas”, “The Godfather: Part II” and Casino”, just to name a few). So just the idea of him playing a former mob boss who is placed in witness protection because he snitched on his family is enough make one chuckle. But that is really all this movie is: a bunch of ideas that seem funny on paper but once put on screen are over longed and poorly executed.

            Every scene in this movie just feels like it is an individual concept for a skit. There is no flow or rhyme or reason, events kind of just happen and then they move on to the next scene like nobody’s business. For example, there is one great part where De Niro’s son (played by John D’Leo, who is by and far the best character of the film) is performing mafia-like activities around the school, such as buying muscle for protection or starting a cigarette black market. This could be worked into comedic gold however it is rushed and it all ends in one scene. Anne Hathaway was alive longer in Le Mis than this kid was running his operation (spoiler: Anne Hathaway wasn’t alive for long in Le Mis).

            The largest flaw I found in “Family”, however, was how unnecessarily violent every character is, especially our “good guys”. They beat up innocent civilians with anything ranging from tennis rackets to hammers. It is meant to be darkly comedic but all it does is remove any empathy the audience can feel towards the them.

            The best aspect of the film was the shootout scene with the mafia hitmen (wearing the obligatory black fedora hats, of course). When the guns are going off and bodies are dropping, it brings back memories of all the great gangster movies throughout the years but that in turn makes you realize how inferior this film is.

            It seems that after his Oscar-nominated work in “Silver Linings Playbook” De Niro wanted to go back to what he has been doing for the past ten years: phoning in performances and smirking at the camera because he knows it. “The Family” is a comedy that isn’t funny, and a gangster movie with only one ten minute scene of gun shots. The rest of the time is nothing but awkwardly transitioned scenes, poor pacing and a lingering sense that this was a hugely missed opportunity.

 If you really have a craving to see a new gangster movie, check out “Gangster Squad” instead. “The Family” is like that couple you know from work that you try to not associate with but when you meet up at the company party you force a smile but just want to get out of there.

 Critics Rating: 4/10